The Scorpio Thoughts

Back after 2 years

2011-05-29T22:35:00.000-07:00

A few weeks back, happen to read through my past entries, glad i took the effort write it then, guess its good for people like me who has slight dementia. :x Well, friends i met up with has been asking, do you feel old? Well, honestly speaking, I don't, but i have to say yes to them in case they think that i bhb. But i seriously don't feel old cos i only feel i'm 32, and i'm 32! Comparatively maybe yes, but i was 22, so nothing to regret anyway.

Since it's been 2 years, i shall have a short recap. The whole of 2009 was work, work & work. Earn quite a bit, and spent all of it, oops, I enjoyed the spending, oh well. 2010, hmm, bad year for me i guess. Reconciled with someone i loved deeply and found myself in hell now, got into the deepest depression mode ever and suffered damages that i could never imagined.

Chatted with Ked for hours that day and felt much better after pouring everything out to him. I thought that was the end of it, but bad things just doesn't stop usually. 4th May 2011, worst day of my life for 32 years. Disappointment to my family, and even to myself, something that can never be amended for life. I'm having countless nightmares even till now. I shall let the details remain as a secret for the rest of my life.

Made an important decision today, i removed every single reminiscence of him, after seeing a grindr tag that totally grossed me up. "Dun waste my time if you r looking for ons" Irony isn't it? After all the betrayal all these months, one can actually announce that looking for ons is wasting time. I admit that i still can't let go, but i'm seriously helping myself to get out of this.

I cleared his sms, removed his pic, removed his grindr link, removed him from my life. I hated myself for being softhearted, hated myself for being sentimental, really really hated myself for loving him unconditionally. Worst of all, hated myself for believing that he did love me. I finally understood the kind of hate Francis felt months ago, i guess it wasn't coincidental.

我把你的电话从手机里消除了我把你的消息从话题里减少了
我把你的味道用香水喷掉了我把你的照片用全家福挡住了

你让我的懂事变成一种幼稚你让我的骄傲觉得很无知
你让我的朋友关心我的生活你让我的软弱陪伴你的自由

离开我你会不会好一点离开你什么事都难一点
车来了坐上你的明天车走了我还站在路边
离开我你会不会好一点离开你什么事都难一点
风来了云就会少一点你走了我住在雨里面

A special song from 陶子. She never fail to touch me with her songs when i'm sad.

Well, life goes on, I keep telling myself that I need to be strong, and i have to stop the tears somehow. The very first time i cried in front of him, i told him there are tears because i thought the r/s woud last, and I'm crying because i've lost it. The nights when i can't get to sleep, i kept thinking, if i can spend my life hating him, i will spend my life requitting whoever can get me to move on.

So much for bad romance, hmm, Feb 2011, i officially took up a new post as Sales Manager. Got a drastic pay cut cos no more commission. Work load is physically lessen but more stressful with more responsibilities. Managing 12 monkeys is really a headache, with various crappy reasons for not coming to work everyday. It's never easy handling anything that is the pioneer batch, am i lucky or unlucky? Guess fate is giving me the challenge again.

Happen to drive past Shawn's house a few weeks back while on work, suddenly had the phenominal feeling that i may bump into Huizhen, and i really did! While driving past the bend, her car appeared right beside mine in opposite direction. She didn't see me, or i guess least expected me. I was overwhelmed with mixed feelings throughout, about her, about him, with eveything that happened back then. I guess this will be a memory for life.

Seems like something really significant gonna happen in my life. My right eyelid has been twitching for months.....

Can you tell the difference? Which do you prefer?

2009-04-01T11:03:00.000-07:00

I remember reading a chapter of teenage psychology whereby it describes the kind of tendency of a teenager to prefer the company of friends or companions who gives them a sense of belonging and indulge in similar activities that might or might not be detrimental to their mental growth. Well, i guess this happens to everyone of us when we used to hate mum's nagging, BUT, as we become more matured, this feeling starts to evolve into a tint of appreciation as we know that it is ultimately for our own good.

Linking to this simple scenario, have you ever pondered over whether people around you are doing things for your own good OR with ulterior motives? I guess under most circumstances, we usually prefer to hang around people who makes us feel good about ourselves, for example, people who might have some liking for you, and you start indulging yourselves in praises like "oh you are so cool", "i like the way you talk!", "you look so fit in that singlet!", "ur eyes are so mesmerizing", and this is especially appealing to those who are damn egoistic. BUT, back to the basics, are they really sincere?

And now, think about what an old friend would tell you instead, no flowery words or any ego booster, but a simple advice of "I think you really need to lose some weight" or "you better rest more cos ur face looks terrible!" We tend to feel uneasy over such comments and someone who is simply superficial would start having a ultra black face. Are you showing signs of maturity?

Don't you think that it is really sad if you constantly requires praises or recognition to maintain your balanced ego, it reflects signs of insecurity and lack of self-confidence, though you seems to have self confidence in front of others. And you end up indulging yourself around insincere people whom might be interested in you, listening to lies after lies, even your fart smells like heaven!

Ask yourself this question, will that person treat you in this way as long as you live? Or does all these lies disappear after he realise that he is not interested in you anymore? And then you move on to the next person who is able to do the same. Someone whom have a crush on you will tolerate anything that you do, and protrays a forever "I dun mind" impression, but alas, once the crush is gone, you are just a piece of shit to him. And this is the time when you start to appreciate your close friends who have been tolerating you for the past ten years, who keep nagging at you endlessly hoping that you will wake up someday.

I feel that maturity does not come naturally, dun assume that it will come as you grow older, it doesn't. As we aged, I guess it is essential to keep track of the level of maturity every now and then, and really take note of things that we ought to learn at different stages in life. It's good to look younger than your actual age, but if your mentality is not on par as your age, it is honestly pathetic, and worrying too. And yes, it is this maturity that urges you to see the difference between sincere and insincere companions around you. Conduct some filtering and you will realise that life can be more fulfilling and even more exciting.

How about this? Give yourself an hour, go through your hp list, think about things they have done for you all these while, send a sms "I'm glad to have you as a friend!" to those whom you really think are worthy sincere friends. For those whom you think are getting close to you for ulterior motives, please move on, let them continue their dream in the world of deception, insincerity, unworthiness, and of course, immaturity. Be glad that you made the first step out, and your life will be much more fulfilling from now onwards. :P

Bangkok Trip

2009-03-03T06:14:00.000-08:00

Just got back from Bangkok last night, really enjoyed myself. Looking at the busy Bankgkok city, I recalled my trip to this city 14 years ago, I was so young and playful then, going on a vacation with my very first beau.

Well, the mood 14 years later is much different, less excited though, but much more relaxed, especially with my best buddy and good friends around, the trip was indeed filled with fun and jokes. Travelling in groups is definitely not easy, with different preferences and habbits, well, it comes down to how accomodating you are ultimately.

Come to think of it, it was the differences that brought all the joy and laughter actually. Without Joan's unique "auntieness", the trip would not have been in such comfort and organised i guess. And Ked's constant nagging to move on indeed made the trip more fulfilling, not forgetting Gary's crazy jokes and hilarious "accidents". And last and foremost, Elf's attempt to patronise the brothels was indeed the hot topic of the trip.

I miss the bird's nest in coconut milk...yum yum. Wondering when will be my next trip there. Met a palm reading fortune teller in one of the temples, his predictions was somehow accurate and his advices made me ponder about my future. Am I on the right track?

I guess fortune telling to me isn't that much of knowing the future rather, in fact, it's more of realising things that I have overlooked in the past. Elf's seems perturbed when he heard about the session with the fortune teller, and his reactions were so predictable. Anyway, his obseesion with that prostitute was so annoying.

So much for this trip, and I'm looking forward to the next vacation! How about you guys?

How well do you know my character?

2009-02-17T10:35:00.000-08:00

Keith requested me to set another test but this time, it will be solely on my character. I don't expect you guys to know much about my character since i'm a scorpio. Haha. No harm trying anyway. Dear friends, i'm waiting for your scores!

Some questions are cut off due to too long sentences, apologies. :P

Re-Test

2009-02-12T08:46:00.001-08:00

As requested by Ked, the horrific test is back again. I have included 20 questions this time so to minimise any lucky guesses. Please think hard! And again, whoever can get 90% and above gets a free meal from me! No cheating!

Europe Trip

2009-02-09T06:24:00.000-08:00

I finally made a trip to Europe, have been hoping to make this visit since NUS days, and well, dreams come true. :)
First stop - Rome. Never though a city could be so historical, staring at the complexity of Colosseum, I suddenly realised that my passion for architecture is still there, the days of architecture in NUS was so fun.
Next stop - Florenz. Rained the whole day and I think i've walked 10km! Nice churches and relics.
Moving on, it was Venice. The whole city is simply beautiful, the scent of art fills up every corner. Glass ornamanets, ceramic masks, paintings, everything is just so... hmm... sensational. And yes, that short Gondola ride cost 30euros!
Last city in Italy was Milan, the fashion city. Did some shopping at Gucci & Prada, heaven!
Across the borders, we travelled to Interlaken, a small town in Switzerland. The scenery along the way was captivating, lakes, valleys and cottages in snow, my face was glued to the window throughout the coach ride.
Ventured to mount Titlis and the weather was kinda cold but i enjoyed it. Next to Lucent, where i bought my first Tag Heuer which was supposedly done 2 years ago.
We continued with an eight hours ride to Paris, the fashion city of France. Went on a night city boat ride, the nite-lighted Paris was really really a wahhhhhhhh. The illuminated Eiffel tower was magnificent. It snowed the very next day, and day tour was kinda tiring due to a lot of walking. Visited the largest LV shop i ever saw, 3 storeys! Did some shopping at Zara and Swaroski. I felt so broke after that.

Well, so much for trip. Touched down on the 4th and met my buddies on the 5th. And yes, i almost forgot, 5th Feb, it was supposed to be the anniversary, and I should be in Hongkong. Oh well, you lose some, you gain some. A Europe trip in exchange for a Hongkong trip, quite worth it mah. Haha, but then again, what i've lost is actually much more. Though i still feel lost at times, i'm glad that I perfectly fine now.

Throughout the 12 days trip, I did some soul searching and self reflection. Realised that my life is kinda messed up and no direction at all. I lost track of what actually makes me happy and what do I want in life. Am I blindly working for money and getting into a relationship just for the sake of companionship? I guess I am. Pathetic? maybe a little.

Rested for the weekend and back to work again on a blue Monday. Don't know why but my mood was kinda lousy for the whole day. Came home and played the piano for almost 2 hours. Played my favourite Canon in D in C key with a few mutated styles and found it quite fun. Keke. And while i was playing Ked's favourite 可惜不是你, i realised that I had a listener lurking outside my door, trying to listen but too shy to be seen. I ignored him anyway. And yes, that 2 love birds must be so busy dating that they totally forgot about their piano lessons. Hrmph!

Was repeatedly listening to this song 笨蛋 by Jin Sha when i was in Europe. That's what touching songs do: relate your feelings.

I thought

2009-01-22T08:43:00.000-08:00

Never thought that life could be so simple, Mon - Fri: work, home, game, chat with friends & occasional dinner with friends. Weekend is filled up with movies and dinner with buddies, mahjong, ktv, midnight picnic @ east coast, really enjoyed their company. It might be the sudden void after love left, or maybe it was ages since we had bonding sessions so often. Nonetheless, i guess it will be a part of my life that left a deep impression.

Joan realised that i've been quite distracted lately, taking the wrong route umpteen times, and simply don't know where i'm going sometimes. I guess there are just too many things in my mind recently, is it a sign of getting old? :x But there's one thing i'm quite sure, just as what Ked said, as we grow older, we stop doing certain things and start to indulge in other things that we don't really fancy in the past. e.g Clubbing vs Chatting.

There are news of recession everyday and our mood becomes so depressed. Well, from another perspective, it is time to take a break after working so hard for the past 2 years. Heading for Rome this saturday, wahaha, don't envy me guys, you will have your chance too. And yes! It will be Bangkok next month! Wondering whether that 有同性没人性 one will bring me to Japan? :x

Introducing one of my favourite artiste since Sec Sch days: 陶子

Since Ked already posted my favourite 女人心事，i shall recap another touching song by her.

太委屈

当她横刀夺爱的时候你忘了所有的誓言
她扬起爱情胜利的旗帜你要我选择继续爱你的方式
你曾经说要保护我只给我温柔没挫折
可是现在你总是对我回避不再为我有心事而着急
人说恋爱就像放风筝如果太计较就有悔恨
只是你们都忘了告诉我放纵的爱也会让天空划满伤痕
太委屈连分手也是让我最后得到消息
不哭泣因为我对情对爱全都不曾亏欠你
太委屈爱着你你却把别人拥在怀里
不能再这样下去穿过爱的暴风雨
宁愿清醒忍痛的放弃你也不在爱的梦中委屈自己

To my dear Jaron, the worst is over, look forward to a brighter future ahead!

1st Post for 2009

2009-01-01T02:37:00.000-08:00

Well well well, it's a new year! 2008 was the past, countdown gathering was great last night! I asked my friends: what have you achieved in 2008 and what is your resolutions in 2009? Sounds cliche but it shows that i care isn't it?

Hmmm, what did i achieve in 2008??

Well, i made some money, had a bad experience with relationship, gained a lot of weight. :x As is told Ked, 2008 was not a smooth year for us, but we know that 2009 will defnitely be a better year.

Resolutions for 2009:

1. Buy a car before i turn 30.
2. Pay raise and promotion
3. I WILL fit in all my clothes in my wordrobe which i can't now.
4. Treasure my friends
5. Love myself more.

Keep left or keep right?

2008-12-23T06:59:00.000-08:00

Was on my way home, driving leisurely, a sudden surge of philosopic thought came, what kind of attitude do i have in life?

As we all know, on the road, keep right when overtaking and only the faster vehicles takes the outer right lane, similarly on an elevator, slow ones keep left. Am i someone who keep right or keep left? My answer is definitely the former, i'm someone who can't waste time in travelling, same in my life, i don't wish to dwell in things that are wasting my time. But back to that question of keeping left or right, not everyone's answer is the same i suppose. There are many out there enjoying every moment of their life taking a slow pace. 那又何长不是一件好事.

Well, and there are those who hogs up the right lane, happily driving without realising that they are such a pest. ( Please feel guilty if you are one of them!)Just like in life, there are always jerks around messing up everything in life. And if you are not careful, you ram into others and alas, you can't move anymore. Hipcups in life are unavoidable, get it settled and move on then.

What about traffic jams? Well, there are times in life that we feel so 无奈, but there's nothing much we can do about it. Just keep your cool and time will tide you over. And yes, don't go too fast, cos there's always the traffic police hiding somewhere. And for those who never check blind spots when you switch lanes, you ought to be shot! Keep your car at home and take a cab!

Tomorrow is christmas eve, seems like the mood is really gloomy this year. I miss those days when all close friends join for a sumptous dinner and club. Well, it seems like the bond is gone. Oh well, hope tings change for the better.

如燕

2008-12-18T20:01:00.000-08:00

Nice Song! Didn't like it initially, the more i listen to it, l'm in love with it! Lyrics is really beautiful!

愿意合上眼才能美梦无边
别让悔熏乌了从前
也许碎片才能让回忆展颜
何妨瓷花拼凑明天
谁带我寻获幸福的模
却自己谜中困锁
谁为我留下缱绻的天涯
信物是抹晚霞
思念如燕它飞舞舌尖
若是真爱配尝几分苦甜
意念婆娑时间里推磨
追随到何处才结果
燕如针线在青空缝编
几幅女红将以泪缀点
誓言斑驳情雾只是经过
风雨中且让我盈步婀娜

你是好人，我是坏人

2008-12-14T08:36:00.000-08:00

Was watching the mtv on Ked's blog, 坏人. Really found it meaningful when the guy had to force himself to be cruel so that his ex can move on with another guy. I guess that is love too. Can i bring myself to do it? I guess it takes a lot of courage and magnimousity to be able to let go in this case.

Was browsing my friendster list and stumbled upon Adrian's profile. Well, i guess the feeling was really uncomfortable when i was reminded what they did. I guess they are happily together now, or maybe not, whatever it is, I'm already the third party.

"我们分手吧" I guess this phrase was verbally used umpteen times between us, but i guess this time i have to say the final time to the person staying in my heart all this while. Love took me away, and reality brought me back eventually. I guess i really have to say goodbye.

Was chatting with little botak and he said something quite extreme which i found it very true also. He told me that he will not be a very good new friend cos he thinks that it is unfair to his best friends. Amidst the everyday life of meeting different people, getting close to those whom you think might be a worthwhile friend, have you actually neglected those who are already with you for the longest possible and had never left you?

Kino sent a greeting sms to me a few days back:" Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest,or who came first, or who cares more.... It's all about who came and nver left. Happy friendship day!" I didn't know it was friendship day or not, haha, but that sms really gave me some warmth.

Went to ECP on Saturday afternoon with Ked, i cycled and he bladed for almost 2 hours, and we crapped throughout the whole 2 hours. And yes, not a single eye candy, disappointing. Weather was really great, breezy and cooling. Not forgetting about the ugly uncle cruising at the Fort road carpark!! Wahaha. Guess what? That scandalous Ked went back to ECP at night to blade and he broke his blade's buckle. Dunno what he do, must be so vigorous that broke the buckle... :X

The Truth hurts

2008-12-08T03:34:00.000-08:00

I promised Ked I'll put this in my next post:

We were having a casual talk in his car and struck upon the topic of treatment by friends. People come and go in our lifes, there are times where a particular person treats you exceptionally well for various reasons, but will he do that for the rest of your life? And so how do you feel if that particular person stop being nice to you?

I guess if you think someone is a worthy friend, you will treat him even better as time goes by. Don't just treat someone nice just because of ulterior motives and gives disappointment later when you stop liking him. Self reflection time: For the past 5 - 10 years, who has been around for you when you needed someone? Who has sincerely treated you as a friend? Who has been looking after you and not at all calculative with you?

Had a jog in the evening, it was drizzling, but i guess i need a run off from my emotions. After so many days, it came down on me finally. I avoided everything, put up a happy face for the past weeks, carried on working, pretend that nothing much has happened.

I was jogging in the park, no one around as it was raining, tears fell. It was then i realised that i did miss him. Scenes after scenes flashed through my mind:

What is the feeling if you found out that your partner cheated on you, not once, but many times?
How would you feel if he slept with someone right in your very own house?
How would you feel if your friend knew about it but kept it to themselves?
And how does it feel when you try your best to support someone financially but you realised after one year that all was just fake excuses?

And finally, how does it feel like when all of the above strikes you at the same time? And no one is righteous enough to stand up for you, and people thinks that you have asked for it since you get such a young kid for your partner. Who have realised that I actually felt so 委屈 and helpless? And the intense pain that I went through in facing all the truths, the truth hurts, it really hurts.

I guess i don't really blame anyone, just really disappointed that things happened in such a way. Be it love or friendship, I did put in my heart and soul in managing it, but i guess i'm a failure. I don't wish to cry, but i guess it's natural when one is sad, I never wanted to appear weak, but i think i need to face my emotions somehow.

I guess it's fate afterall, thanks to a kind soul who enlightened me about everything. And most of all, a big hug to my dearest buddy Ked, thank you for being there for me.

I've changed my bed sheets, a heart warming birthday gift from Ked to let me forget the past.
I've changed my mobile phone.
I've changed my ring.
I've changed my bag.
I'm changing myself.

Can i change my heart? I really hope i can.

An Angel's Tears

I took your hand from the hell you were from
Love began
Satan desires desouled the angel
You forsaked me
Love ends

Fear not,
For I have wings to fly up high
From above
I watch how darkness befalls you

I Wish

2008-11-12T09:39:00.000-08:00

"What do you want me to do? What can i do? I dunno what you want." I've been hearing these phrases over and over again. Will it be meaningful if your loved ones simply follow what you want them to do?

Love comes from within the heart, it's natural, it's spontaneous, and definitely do not need any instructions.

I guess everyone hopes for the same thing from partners, simple yet heart-warming:

I wish you are beside me when i wake up in the morning.
I wish you are there to enjoy a sumptous meal with me.
I wish you will hug me when i feel down.
I wish you only have eyes for me, not anyone else.
I wish you will take my hand when i'm slow.
I wish you will take the lead if i'm lost
I wish you will pull me when i fall.
I wish you will laugh at my jokes.

Last wish, hold my hand till my last breath in this world.

How to love your boyfriend?

Love whole-heartedly.he sacrificed a lot for you so you'd better really treassure him.he could have just got up & date a so much more dashing guy/gal in town but he chose you instead all because of love. So love him people;not play with him.

Don't just get him to beg you to stay or whatsoever. If you're with him, love him. Don't cause a strain in the relationship, you'll end up loving each other out of pity or charity, that's not respecting love at all. Respect love the way it is & everything will be the best it can be.

Tell the truth, never hide anything from him. If you want him to tell you everything, do the same. Don't go calling others"dear" or "darling", how would it feel if your boy calls other people the same way? Be faithful, enough is enough.

Sweet talks only apply for singles, not for attached. Do that & you'll really break your boy's heart. Isn't good being too well-known too, it'll give him a
sense of insecurity. Remember, INSECURITY

Promise him & make sure you never break it. Swear to him & make sure you keep it. Pledge your love to him & him alone.

Loving him is giving him your heart to break it but trusting him not to. Instead,he'll cherish it & protect it. That's love.Give him your heart,
your life, your everything.

Never, ever walk out of his life.he won't just cry his heart out & carry on living as per normal,he'd die.If his heart that you've broken, how would you ever know how he feels?

Winning a guy's heart isn't the final victory. Don't leave him once you've won his love.Love him all the way till the end of time,love him till old age, love him till death. If you can love him till the end of time, you've earned the honor &
respect for you've truly loved him.

He chose you because he believes that you can fulfil your promise. Win his heart & love him over. Remember, the guy isn't a trophy for display,he's someone to love, not to show off to your "friends". Stay humble yet proud that he's the one for you. Respect him for the way he is, never despise him & never mistreat him, never even think of toying with him

Love him and don't ever hurt him, please.

Stay with him when he's down, don't leave him alone although he said he wish to be left alone, or that will be the last you see of him. Men react differently when they are hurt, they choose to suffer in silence and starts to lose faith if nothing is done. And once faith is lost, all is gone.

Words from the heart. Listen with love.

End of Chapter

2008-09-08T08:09:00.000-07:00

I guess it was a beautiful story after all, lousy ending though. When two paths part in their own direction, it's never easy for either party. You hold back your tears, firmly gave your answer so that he won't turn back anymore. You thought that he will hate you and leave without any regrets, but sad to say, it did make him move on, but with a deep wound in his heart without any hint of hate, just sorrows.

I finally stood alone at my corridor again, no more wind this time round, only rain splattering at my face, i hope i can wake up from this dream. I held on to the two rings in my hands, and prayed that my god can give me an answer. My god kept quiet.

I drove pass his void deck today as I had to see my customer which was opposite his block. Maybe it was fate. Looking at the familiar road, I realise that I no longer will come by anymore. We used to kiss goodbye at that very spot, and i used to drink my mushroom soup at that corner, and there was this lot that i use to wait for him.

I drove off, not looking back, with tears rolling down my cheeks. Maybe that was how Ked felt when he drove past albin house that day, or maybe not.

This was the song we used to like a lot. Sad song though. For you, alan.

Chicken Chop & Mushroom Soup

2008-05-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

Got quite upset in the morning when i realise that someone skipped work again cos overslept,lame reason..sigh. He presented a box of rock hard chicken breast meat, instant baked beans, some cute little sausages and a huge portion of mixed fungus chicken soup in a soggy tupperware. Oh yah, not forgetting the unskinned mango.

Surprisingly, i was appeased by this simple home made dinner, and happily ate everything. Well, i guess this shows how glutton am I ( And also how sweet is he!) Lolx.

Hmm, there has been a couple of unfortunate events lately and people around me are quite affected. Monetary losses, mental stress, peer pressure and of course, worried parents. Hope they learn something out of it, and hopefully, serve as a deterence to the rest.

Before i go off, thanks for the lovely dinner my dear alan.:P

To mourn or rejoice?

2008-04-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

Went to albin's dad wake last week. Suddenly thought of why does wake have to drag so many days? And why does weddings and celebration of new borns is only a day? Well, guess the latter can be pre-arranged, while death cannot be predicted, so thus we need more days for people to visit and mourn, ironical isn't it? Shall i just decide my death so that the wake is only a day?

Was discussing with Ked at the wake on how should be arrange our own wake next time, it got riduculous and we were like laughing at our own stupidity. But on the other hand it had a touch of comfort cos both of us know that we will be there for one another till they day we are gone.

Learning to trust someone whom had hurt you umpteem times is definitely difficult, in fact depressing at times. I guess one have to learn that somehow especially when maturity sets in, and how do you pick yourself up again and again? I think love did. I guess that has trained me to be positive at all times, no matter how bad life is.

Unknowingly, i have worked for a year plus, I have earned my 1st 50k, and more to come! Hope my car will come before i turn 30, and my house before 35. Pray hard!

It's my turn to test u!

2007-11-20T08:27:00.000-08:00

Any full score can claim a meal from me! Pls be honest to yourself!

Create your own Friend Test here

对于错

2007-10-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

Just celebrated Alvin Di's birthday last night @ St james. It's been a long since so many of us gathered together. But somehow i felt that the mood wasn't as warm as years back. Guess it's because all of us seldom hang out nowadays le. :(. Nonetheless, i guess the bond is still there somehow. And all of us are always around to help one another!

Clubbing seems to get kind of unfamiliar recently, i guess i'm really getting old bah, lolx. No longer have the mood to move around to say hi and socialize. That's so me! Drinking at the bar counter with my buddies becomes my only joy there.

How does it feel when the person who has just dumped you tells you that he's already attached? Well, i should be getting used to it actually, but it still hurt. The past seems like a nightmare, and i can't bring myself back into it anymore. Well, i've decided to put love aside and move on.

Was pondering over the question of being right or wrong. Realised that we debate over this issue every other seconds, but ultimately, what are we trying to do? To justify our own doings? Or condemning what others are doing? It is sometimes frustrating and tiring to remind someone else what is the right thing to do. I have concluded that to each of his own, and at the end of the path, one has to be responsible for the path one takes, and who are we to justify what is the right path to take? You may have kindly asked a pedestrian to take the walking path but too bad, the car skided into that pathway and knocked him dead. That's fate i guessed. Just say what you think is correct and leave the decision to them.

I think one thing we have to learn as we grow older is how to be accepting and having a larger capacity for differences. No one should be devoided of happiness just because you think he/she does not deserve it.

Self Reflection Questions:

1. Have you made use of someone directly or indirectly such that no one benefits anything other than yourself?

2. Have you borrowed something from someone and conveniently forgot to return just because you think he does not need it at this point in time?

3. Have you done something for your parents or family to show that you do care for them?

4. Have you offered your help to people around you without the intention of demanding anything in return?

5. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror when you are criticising others about how ugly they are?

6. Have you thought of the possibility being a victim yourself when you are harming someone else?

7. Have you betrayed someone and worrying about him doing the same to you?

8. Have you forgotten about someone who have loved you so much?

I guess all of us are guilty of a few at least. But well, nobody's a saint. Face yourself and thy shall be a better person. I'm not trying to bitch but honestly, don't you find the above kind of familiar? lolx.

Nice piano piece, compliments from Jeric. :P

Loving Him

2007-10-01T08:25:00.000-07:00

Was chatting with a friend online, and he sent me these words, which i found quite meaningful:

Love the person u like in your heart, not in your mind. If you base your relationship on feelings, it will fail for there are ups & downs in feelings.he is there to be loved, not toyed around.

Love him for who he is. Don't even think about changing any bit about him. 6 billion people in this world & 6 billion different personalities. he is special & he will stay that way. You change any part of him, you'll change him forever.
Don't substitute him for anyone else, they are just unique in their own ways.

Love whole-heartedly.he sacrificed a lot for you so you'd better really treasure him.he could have just got up & date a so much more dashing guy/gal in town but he chose you instead all because of love. So love him people;not play with him.

Don't just get him to beg you to stay or whatsoever. If you're with him, love him. Don't cause a strain in the relationship, you'll end up loving each other out of pity or charity, that's not respecting love at all. Respect love the way it is & everything will be the best it can be. I've been there & I know how it feels.

Don't expect perfection from him. he's the only one in the world & he's done the best he could.Like another guy while you're in a relationship? Then I think it's time you remain single for a while. Don't go around breaking other guy's hearts, it's the most tragic thing to do.

Tell the truth, never hide anything from him. If you want him to tell you everything, do the same. Don't go calling others"dear" or "darling", how would it feel if your boy calls other people the same way? Be faithful, enough is enough.

Socialise only when you're single. You socialise & flirt around is to get the guys of your dreams. Get it over when he's already yours, don't ask for more.

It never kills to be romantic. Think, be flexible. Giving him sex isn't the only
gift for him Be realistic, he's human & he lives life just like you. Something sweet & simple always get the job done.Sex or money doesn't exist between couples, it's the love.

Never promise him that you'll love himforever because your forever might end the next day. Love him as if each day is the last.

Sweet talks only apply for singles, not for attached. Do that & you'll really break your boy's heart. Isn't good being too well-known too, it'll give him a sense of insecurity. Remember, INSECURITY.

Promise him & make sure you never break it. Swear to him & make sure you keep it. Pledge your love to him & him alone.

Loving him is giving him your heart to break it but trusting him not to. Instead,he'll cherish it & protect it. That's love.Give him your heart,
your life, your everything.
Lay down your life & prepare to die for him when the need arises. But stay strong & live through another day,he can never live without you.

Never, ever walk out of his life.he won't just cry his heart out & carry on living as per normal,he'd die.If his heart that you've broken, how would you ever know how he feels?

Winning a guy's heart isn't the final victory. Don't leave him once you've won his love.Love him all the way till the end of time,love him till old age, love him till death. If you can love him till the end of time, you've earned the honor & respect for you've truly loved him.

he chose you because he believes that you can fulfil your promise. Win his heart & love him over. Remember, the guy isn't a trophy for display,he's someone to love, not to show off to your "friends". Stay humble yet proud that he's the one for you. Respect him for the way he is, never despise him & never mistreat him, never even think of toying with him

hope that u guys will treasure ur boyfriend and not to hurt him just like someone did to me..

Presenting Keith's new song! 多爱了。

A Song For You

2007-09-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

如果没遇见你，不知道我会得到什么，又会失去什么。Just finished watching eternal summer, really brought back memories of me, S, & HZ. The past suddenly seems so near, yet will never return. 答应我，你要好好照顾他。 I told HZ the last time we met up, just before their wedding. What a past, well, it's already the past.

Heard this song on the fm today, and i realised this is one song that really reminded me of him. He used to sing this song in Ktv, cos this songs reminds him of his ex. Well, this song reminds me of him now, I still can remember how this song sounded with his voice. I've never heard the original singer anyway, and I'm not used to it,lolx. Maybe I'm still not used to life without him. 突然很渴望　在你身上也找到我要的靠岸. If i'm destined to drop tears for you in this life, I hope this is the last tear.

There are songs that we love in our life, some tell our life stories, and some deeply touched our heart. Some bring back memories that can never be erased in our life, and one can never describe the feeling of familiarity when the old tune starts playing. That's how music touches us isn't it?

Moving on does not mean that it has to be forgotten, does it? Seems a bit heartless to me if nothing is really remembered. I guess there is a line of difference between clinging on to the past and keeping beautiful memories. And well, i guess it is subjective and what matters most is whether the person involves is happy or not. What is the point of trying to be magnanimous when there isn't much feelings involved in the first place. You have already lost the first round when you lacked the courage to give your all. How about trying harder the next round? :) Jia you my friends!

Seems like a verbal diarrhoea today, well i guess it's sudden gush of emotions. Phew! Well well, had a haircut 2 days ago, looked much younger again with the funky haristyle. :x I guess Catherine gave up on giving me the mature look, it is just not me!! keke. Looks like my face is just not suited for a serious and decent job, i'm better off being a designer or an architect....or a song writer?? bleah! Keith is better at that bah!! :x Anyway, his new song roxs!! I simply love it! wahaha

Today is Mid Autumn Festival!! Thanks for all the mooncakes from my dear friends! Hope you received my wishes dear.... If Chang Er jie jie can hear me now, please bless me too!! zzzzz

Dumb Deceptions

2007-09-13T07:36:00.000-07:00

Has been clubbing the past weeks, some were shocked to me again, a couple surprised, and the some can't even recognise me!!! Come on, i will age too!!! :x Well, i guess i was really bored... did enjoy myself but i think i can't do it every week still. Too expensive a hobby i guess.

Have been observing people around me recently, and really found it interesting sometimes to discover little characteristics they have. Found myself mildly disgusted when people try to impress me with something they aren't really capable of, well i guess i'm REALLY put off but i shan't be too mean since they were suppose to humour me in the first place.

Trying to be someone that isn't really yourself, tiring isn't it? And you have to keep on lying to cover up for your previous lies. It all chains up to speak a riduculous story that i really found it amusing while disgusted. What's worse? I'm not impressed at all!! keke. Guess it takes a much smarter person to be able to deceive me, but well i do admit, love had blinded me before, and i was dumb. :(

Being rich doesn't impress me. Neither is being successful. And so what if you are the top student without a single trace of EQ... What can impress me?? Well, it is the warmth a true heart can give that touches others. How many can actually do that? To treat each and everyone around you with a true heart and let the affections influence others.

Quite like this song in A-mei new album. 想起来难免伤感感谢你爱我一场, a phrase that really pricked me, we often tend to remember things people had done for us in the past, especially by someone whom you loved, and it really makes one feel emotional. Keith asked me whether i still miss that particular someone, i said yes... but i hated myself for saying that. For months, i so wanted to hate him, but i just can't bring myself to do it... cos i knew i did loved him deeply, and it has never changed ever since. I can only try to forget.... awaiting the day of 快乐眼泪.

Another hour is Ked's birthday. Dear buddy, i'm really thankful that you've found your happiness!Best wishes for your 29th Birthday! 29..29...29..29...30...oops :x

Reality

2007-08-07T07:34:00.000-07:00

Weeks passed... What have I been doing? Ans: escaping.... I can't even dare to face myself. I buried myself with work everyday, cooped myself in my room throughout weekends other than dinner time and occasional mj session. I've watched vcd serials after serials.... hoping that i can find my existence elsewhere.

Throughout our life, people just walk out of your life without saying anything, that's reality. When your value in their life = 0, there you go. I start to think about people who were once important in my life, some were really good to me, i'm sorry that i did not cherish you. Some treated me like shit, but i realised that i don't really hate them, cos love is still there i guess. I wish i could forget you.

A-mei new song, really found it touching. 为什么脆弱时候想你更多, it can never get any more heartfelt than that. There are times i really felt lonely; tired and lost, and wish you were there to talk to me, but where are you? Nothing heard, nothing seen, there are times i questioned myself, do you still think of me?

如果你想还我什么，就把我的心还给我吧。

Transformers Roxs!

2007-07-05T06:13:00.000-07:00

How do one keep on trying despite all failures? As the saying goes, you will never succeed if you stop trying. Well, i guess it's really not easy to stand up again after getting defeated time and time again. The impact of betrayal adds on to the hurt, making one totally lost, without anymore energy to stand up again.... all of you felt that before don't you?

Once again, you picked yourself up and move on in life. Bearing the scar in your heart, you open another door to someone else. Keith once told me about this analogy of the phone call. Love is like talking on the phone, once the other side hangs up, if you don't hang up, others can never call in. You will never know who's on the other side if you never answer the call ( Assuming the old kind of house phone without caller-id :x ).

Went to watch Transformers at Vivo Gold Class on Tuesday. It was really an experience. The seat was so damn comfortable!! Me and Jeric looked so suaku when we were fiddling with the automatic seat. lolx. First class flight! Keke. Ate carl's junior before i went to the theatres, it's been a long time since i last had it. I still remember it's Allen's favourite eatery. Haha. Memorable day...

Dina is coming back tomorrow!!!! I've been counting down everyday! Guess it's really a happy thing to see her come back. Hope things turn out better than ever. :P Guess it's worthed everything in life if you can ever find a partner to share your life with, all your ups and downs, laughter and tears. She's coming back for her's isn't it? Jia you!!

Came across this old song, found it nice and meaningful.... 浅意识

Mum Cried

2007-06-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

26th of June, it's my mama's and brother's birthday. Four of us had lunch together, dad, mum, me and cizheng, everything seems happy. I reached home 1130pm, mum was sitting in the living room, watching TV in the dark. She's usually asleep by 1030pm. I came out after bathing, she asked me a funny question, and started crying. I felt so sad... I asked what happened.. she kept quiet as usual. She never tell us about how she feels or what happened whenever she had problems with dad.

I kept probing, she just said nothing. I guess i really resembles her in this aspect. I wanted so much to console her, but i really dunno how. I felt useless...

喜欢一个人，可以是一个人的事，不一定会是两个人的事. I guess it takes a lot of courage and determination to continue to love someone despite that he shows no interest in you anymore. Someone said this before: Don't waste time on people who doesn't want to waste theirs on you. But i still believe: Love still exist even though he's not with you anymore. Am i wasting my time???

I guess no matter how strong a person can be, he still needs someone to recognise his existence once in a while. To know that someone somewhere is willing to be with you is quite important isn't it? Was telling J about the sentence i really found meaningful: The marriage vow: for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, from this day forward, until death do us part.

To all out there with a blissful marriage: Best wishes!
To all those who is searching for one: Your time will come!
To those who did not cherish: Serve you right, retribution will come!
Lastly to all whom i loved: You are remembered....

Looks like it's gonna be a sleepless night.

What's lost and what's found?

2007-06-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

Suddenly felt the urge to express my heartfelt gratitude to people around me. Sounds cliche, but really thanks for being there for me when i felt like all was gone. He've lost.....lost someone who used to care so much for him, lost his promises, lost my faith in him,in exchange for winning his battle for freedom. I've found..... found people who stood by me, found meaning in friendship, found courage when i've to pull myself up again, and lastly, found myself again.

To my best buddy Ked, I know you are angry with me for not telling you what happened. Keke, but you heard me crying out for help while you were sleeping didn't you? That sentence really touched me: Actually i'm angry that why you didn't tell me anything!

My closest friend gary, I know you didn't mention much about it, but i know you tried hard to make me laugh even though i know you weren't in the best of mood.

Dearest Alvin Di, i can tell it's difficult to console me but that long chat that night was nice enough, felt much better after that.

For elf, thanks for having such great confidence in me. Appreciated. Happiness will come eventually.

D.C, thanks for being always there and supporting me no matter what, even when i'm wrong!! lolx
Far faraway Dina, thanks for the frequent "How are you? & feeling better?" Even if you are not here, I felt your care & concern!

Joan, suddenly pop up a power motivating quotion: You are always the best to me!

Keith, you actually remembered to call me back after all your busy schedules. Appreciated!

Ken, Cindy, Jennifer, Wolverine, Lionel, Robin & Albin, my weekends are so much easier with you all around!

Bloggy tag boarders: So touched with the encouragements!

Lastly, for this special someone: thanks for being around for these days. You really brighten up my life. I don't really know how to express myself either, maybe let the hearts do the talking then. Feel like giving you a big hug! :P

Dedicating this song to all my dear friends!
Remember Me This Way by Jordan Hill

Test Test

2007-06-04T07:26:00.000-07:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Drifted Back

2007-05-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

Don't know what actually brought me there, I parked the car and got down. Same place, same bench, but he's no longer beside me. I sat there, memories flooded back, we used to spend hours chatting there, about me, about him, about love. I drove to the spot where i used to look up to his room, and drove to the spot where we used to chat in the car. There were so much so much..... I drove to spot where i found him after he cried over the phone. I did love him deeply.

This song was playing over 933 when he said: " Let's break up for the time being":

我想算了吧不如就这样地分手转我的心在痛对你的爱太浓自
是否你能带走过去的承诺音不再对你奢求什么魁

只想让你懂转过身就不能回头已经作决定又何必在强留
选择了离开我还能说什么爱使你爱使我迷惑

明知道爱你不会有结果· 为何还如此执着
为你付出所有你竟不顾一切就走
明知道爱你只是继续错　为何还如此脆弱　
已经习惯有你　已经不能将你摆脱　
也许当一场梦梦醒一切都随

My world collapsed.

What past is already the past. It's been 2 months, since he has no intentions to salvage, i will just keep the memories for myself. Once again, i'm sentenced to eternal exile.

一句随口的承诺，竟是我一生的伤痛。

Ubin

2007-05-27T08:22:00.000-07:00

Had a great day at Ubin today. Feel great with friends around doing stupid things like saving tadpoles, struggling uphill with bikes, bashing through forest and throwing coconuts. Brought back some memories when i suddenly recalled the last time i was there, felt something amiss, and realised that it's because someone wasn't around.

Went to have my fortune told by Cindy's uncle at the temple, one description struck me.: You tend to be emotional and often can't figure out why certain things happen and start being difficult on yourself. Try not to be too nice to people or else you will end up being used by them. I really felt some truth in it. He continued: You will have no lack in suitors but consider carefully when you make decisions. The weird thing is that, i did ask about my career and relationship, but he seems to be talking about relationship most of the time..... puzzled. Consulted him about the divination lot i got, he gave me an answer that i also can read from the lot... oops, but i seriously don't see it coming.

Thought about this question a few days back. Imagine this scenario: You appear in the club, glamourously attractive, poeple are eager to approach you and acquaintances are everywhere. You make a point to acknowledge the HIs and kisses, flaunting occasioinal flirty remarks. People around you are envious of your status and tend to hang around you.
Or do you actually prefer this: While everyone is happily dancing and boozing, you enter the club with your partner, holding hands and quietly joined the crowd. Greeted your old time friends and start catching up with one another. Occasionally you will hold your partner in your arms, lovingly enjoying each other company.

I guess both scenarios entails envy from the other side. We often are just not satisfied with what we have. The attached ones will always think of freedom as singles and vice versa, the singles will long for the companion. When will it end?

牵手或放手，幸福或祝福。 When someone does not love you anymore, give him your blessing, that's the only thing you can do.

幸福快乐

2007-05-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

How does it feeel like when the person you love walks out on you? And when you ask him not to leave, he remains silent and cold.... And how does it feels like when you have to force yourself to lie so that he can move on without any regrets? I guess it is even more painful when you have to wish him happiness with someone else. The kind of heartache when you realise that you are no longer his happiness.

Thought of all this while chatting with alvin in msn. Seems like his confusion is back, hope he can make a good decision this time.

爱情里有原谅，不仅是体谅他，而是如何原谅自己。
爱情里有祝福，不仅是为了自己的幸福，而是他永远的快乐。
爱情灭了，幸福却来了，感觉只是幸福但不快乐。。。。。

逃避

2007-05-13T09:45:00.000-07:00

Learnt a few stuffs while watching vcd today, one of them was : Avoiding problems is worse than suffering a defeat. Pluck up your courage and face reality. Maybe i was avoiding reality all this while, waiting for someone who will never appear again. I have ran out of excuses, for him and for myself, and i know the more i try to hide, the more i can't forgive myself.

Sometimes i really can't understand myself, I can be simply overjoyed with little things in life and also unmoved by drastic commotions elsewhere. It's the person i guess. A simple "happy birthday my dear" can bring back intense memories even though he might not have done anything memorable for you. Every little incidents becomes scarred memories which can't be erased no matter how much you wish to forget them. And the promises become the sources of sadness and disappointment, but aren't those said to make you happy in the first place?

I keep asking myself: Ain't I suppose to be the one to give him happiness? And why am i obstructing him now instead, and giving him undue discomfort and stress? If i really love him, I should let him go. I'll just be the little angel in his life, protecting and blessing him quietly.

In times of despair and helplessness, who doesn't wish for a comforting arm to hold on to? But when i seriously need that, i can only stare into blank space, and weep silently at night. Loneliness really stings at times, especially when you are feeling vulnerable, and the person that you really need is gone, the lost feeling can never be explained in words.

Ked told me about the bad dream he had about me weeks ago, and i subtly joked that maybe i was crying so desperately that even my buddy can hear me his dreams. To be truthful, i really did. That very night, i knelt on my bedroom floor, i felt really weak and helpless. I was crying so badly, I prayed while gasping for breath, hoping that someone somewhere can hear me, and rescue me out from this despair. I guess it worked.....

Had a birthday celebration with Simon on wednesday night, was quite glad that he remembered so much about us. Hope that his wishes come true this year. Happy Birthday!

Pighead asked me what went wrong? I kept quiet for a moment, and i answered "not compatible bah" with an ending smile. I really don't know what else to say, tears almost fell when i try to recall the past. I guess he knew i'm hurt and stopped probing. Thanks for the care and concern all this while.

A new week ahead! A better tomorrow for everyone my dear friends. :-)

Scorpio Is Hurt

2007-05-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

Seems like i never learnt my lesson. Once again, here am i friends, dumped. Seems like the period of April and May are bad for me every year. I thought I have got used to it, but why am I still crying? I really hate myself for being such an idiotic weakling.

I have to put up a front again, as usual, I kept the sadness to myself. Many years ago, Jack told me this: Never show your weakness to others, cos it is this weakness that others will hurt you in future. How true can it get. Sigh....

I had been working hard for these months because of this special someone, hoping to provide a better life for him. I felt happy, i guess that is the happiness in giving bah. But of course, when everything fails, it turns to heartache when you realise everything you gave, in return you get a heartless break up excuse.

I guess it's retribution bah. I thought of people in my life whom actually loved me a lot, but i didn't really cherish them. I feel like giving them a hug and say that i'm sorry. I told jeff this: There are certain things in life that once you miss it, there's no second chance anymore. And to simon: I've always remembered you as someone who have loved me deeply.

Came across this very touching song in the movie 200 pounds beauty. Hope u all like it.

There are people in our life who are just passer-bys, and there are those who stay in your heart forever. The memories itself is enough to make your tears rolling., not to say how much u have missed this person. And sad to say, none of them really bothers whether how important they are to you.

I plead with him, I did everything i could, including stupid & childish acts to make him stay. But in the end, he still left. How many times in life are you able to meet someone who truly loves you and is willing to do anyting for you? I told myself that if i can ever meet this person again, i won't leave.

7th Aug

2006-08-08T02:05:00.000-07:00

Felt so weighed down today. Was supposed to meet elf for high tea at 3pm, at 250pm, i called him to meet at Bugis instead as i suddenly felt like visiting the temple to pray. 254pm, i received sms from dawn saying that his mum passed away. I stunned for a few seconds, stopped my car at the roadside. Continued driving again, on my way along nicoll highway, i thought of the times i met this lady, tears fell.

I never knew her name actually, I only know she's Mrs. Ng, Alvin's dearest mummy. We spoke less than ten sentences. When i first heard about her in January, she's already a cancer patient. She was a brave lady, struggling with cancer till her last breath on 7th August 2006. I had heard her scolding Alvin through the phone, I have heard her calling out for him while talking to him on the phone. I've seen her pictures, smiling happily with her sons. I finally met her in April when i took JenJen to the vet. She had the kind smile, and exceptional tone which seems like we have known for very long.

I prayed at the temple. 2 months ago, I was praying at the same place for 7 days, asking for her good health. 2 months later, I'm at the temple grieving over her departure. I wondered whether it was buddha who made me come. Though i wasn't really part of her life, her story did fill in mine at this period of my life. She's proud to have a fillial son, a son who never fails to care and protect her, whom she brags about in church. He has dedicated all his time and energy for his dearest mummy, and strived hard to keep her going on. He touched my heart. My deepest consolence to you, 小猴子.

Let's observe a moment of silence for this strong-willed madam.

The Story of the Toilet Bowl Cover

2006-08-02T05:05:00.000-07:00

Was watching the seven o'clock serial, saw this phrase which left a deep impression: When one reach the extreme of sadness, it is the point where there's not a single drop of tears left. At this point of time, why don't you give a smile, and you might feel better. There are many sources of happiness we can search in: family, friends, accomplishment and helping others. Dad has taught me since young to help friends in need, and never hesitate to offer a hand as you never know when you need their help.

I found myself helping people umpteen times but was not always appreciated, and in fact taken granted for. It does hurt sometimes when after doing so much, it is just seen as a natural thing or even worse, get back shit treatment. Is it a natural process for those being treated badly to be continuously treated badly by others? When will this vicious cycle stop? Pondered over this topic after i visited the toilet at sushi tei last week. I went in the cubicle, and saw the usual sight of the toilet bowl's cover being drizzled by urine. ewww. What will the usual reaction be? Wipe it clean or continue to pee with the cover on as it is too dirty to lift it up with my hands? I guess the normal reaction will be continue to pee, but isn't that adding on to the damage? Or you might be thinking that since it's already dirty, there's no difference whether your pee is there or not?

I guess the day you find happiness will be the day you meet someone who cherish and respect you; just like someone who can take the initiative to clean the toilet bowl cover; and not just treat you like shit like the previous one has done. Weird comparison though, but don't you see the similarity there? So did I clean it in the end? Lol....Well, I didn't clean it, neither did I use it. I just washed my hands and left. But i will still wish to curse the bloody asshole who started peeing without lifting the cover!!!! What kind of upbringing is that? is it because it is a public toilet, or the person is simply covered with faeces naturally? Sorry to bitch but i really can't stand inconsiderate people. I believe in karma, so if you don't wish to be sipping someone else's urine while drinking your favourite coffee, start to be considerate!!

我可以忍受

2006-07-16T05:00:00.000-07:00

Finally, it's the end of soccer seasons: no more crowded coffeshops after midnight, no more sudden commotions in the midst of night silence. Largest betting amount i heard: $2000 by Mr. Anson (He lost):x . Smallest amount: McDonald breakfast. I wasn't really part of the soccer menace except for the last 30 minutes of the finals. Keke. Didn't realise that even soccer requires some professionl acting skills. Lesson 1 : Reflex actions, learn to exaggerate falls after being tripped or pushed by opponents. Lesson 2 : Drama, seek sympathy by pretending to be in extreme pain and agony after your fall. Lesson 3 : Counter victimised, after seeing your opponents fall, pretend to be injured too! Didn't know it could be so amusing! Bald heads can hurt!

One of my favourite song, found the lyrics really meaningful:

我可以忍受

我可以忍受你不够爱我我可以忍受你有别的梦

就算是编谎话骗我至少你还在乎我的感受

我可以忍受眼神的空洞我可以忍受你时间不够用

却不能忍受做了那么多是她拥有我该得到的温柔

爱上你是我改不了也不愿改的习惯

要放开哪有那么简单

了解你是我说不出也不承认的悲哀

包容你是我体谅的爱别当作应该

Oh no no no 不要说对不起原来你要的不是我

不要说谢谢你什么你永远在我心中

Can you tell me why?

这样的我你也曾爱过不是吗

是她拥有我没看过的笑容

The phrase that meant a lot to me : 包容你是我体谅的爱别当作应该. Taking people for granted, that's human nature isn't it? Maybe we should all try to put ourselves in other's shoes, and start thinking about their feelings when we do certain things. Acting blur doesn't mean I'm ignorant of the truth, and being silent doesn't mean that i'm not hurt. Did you realise it? Emotionally drained and tired, should have listened to advice and not treat people so nice. "In the end you are just hurting yourself." I finally see some truth in it.

New Phone

2006-07-04T13:03:00.000-07:00

Just bought a new phone today cos the former 6280 was driving me nuts. The dilemma that i always go through whenever i have a new phone.. old messages. Looking at the 6280, I stumbled for a while. My usual practice is to go through all the messages i had and have a last look at them, and try to save those that are important to me, but I did not do it this time. Reading the messages for the past months will only bring me sad memories. I deleted everything..... Hoping to make the past months an empty block in my life.

Seems like he's seeing someone else, or maybe he already has someone else in his heart. My mind drifted back to the past, seems like history repeating itself. Keep telling myself to let it go, I'm begninning to feel better. Walking under the night sky, my thoughts seems to clear up quite a bit, staring at the night scene, I wished that i could really appreciate everything i had.

I can't stop noticing that everyone seems to be so realistic, assessing looks, status, popularity, blah blah blah.... An ideal date will be somone cool, suave, well-known and hot favourites among your peers. I really wonder whether it does makes someone happy with these attributes. Will anyone really looks into his heart and search for kind hearted, understanding, caring and most of all, someone true to you?

I keep reminding myself that everything happen for a reason, be it good or bad, i still have to accept it somehow. The marriage vow says: for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, from this day forward, until death do us part. Touching and meaningful phrases isn't it? I wonder if everyone could do it if they say they love someone.

I hope that the day when my life ends, I can at least remember one single soul in my life who did love me that way. Have you met that person yet? If you think you did, please do cherish him/her, it might be the only chance in your life. We often neglect many things in our life when other things seems to be more attractive. And many times , we end up losing things we had. Well, that's part of learning i guess, and the cycle repeats until we learnt our lessons. Getting hurt umpteen times, i don't seem to learn my lesson though. Is that signs or pure stupidity? or just plain innocence?

Mood: Calm with a tint of sorrow.

"I could see I love you, It hurts me deep in my heart, 你还在我心上某一个地方", this verse once left a deep impression, and looking at it now, an emotional turmoil starts stirring up again. Ending of this episode: "痛苦我会遗忘只想看你开心的模样新的恋情让它成长而过去就放在心上"

我只想

2006-06-27T05:00:00.000-07:00

Mum's and ah zheng's birthday yesterday! I wonder how does it feels like to give birth to someone on your birthday. Keke... had a sumptous lunch on Sunday afternoon, the buffet was great! Went to meet D&D they all for steamboat dinner at marina south that very night...damn i was so full. Went Mox for a while, got in a scene which I felt quite awkward. But what can i say?

It's chilli padi's birthday today! Lolx, he requested me to write something about him. Actually, other than being scandalous, I dunno what's there to write. :x oops! Just kidding! Thanks for adding laughter and joy in my life, you are really funny at times. Strongly believing in certain values in life, I'm sure you can find your hapiness one day. That was your birthday wish right!! Keke...Anyway, was it the same wish when it was the pandan cake? Lolx.

失去了才懂得珍惜。Everyone of us went through that, and no one seems to learn from it. When you lose some, you gain some. Have we ever thought about in the midst of all these exchange, what is really worth taking note of? The kind of emotional sparks that occurs from the unpredictable interaction that arises every now and then. Life can be full of surprises!!! And of course, it will never be smooth all the way. I have learnt many lessons the hard way, forgiven but not forgotten. Looking back, sometimes I wonder whether i did the right thing.

For you:
我们经历过的一切，至今仍没忘，而当初未实现的感情，我一直藏在心底。你的关心，我真的很感激，很感动。也许你已有了新的方向, 但无任如何, 我只想让你知道, 你一直在我心上某一个地方, 从来没离开过。

What i need?

2006-06-13T07:13:00.000-07:00

Been pondering over this question for the past few days. Someone ask me, you keep giving and giving, what do you need? I was stumbled for a while.... do i really know?

I don't need you to shower me with gifts, I only want the most precious and that's your heart.
You don't need to hold my hand while strolling, I only need your hand when i fall.
When it rains, you don't have to bring me an umbrella, but hug me when i'm cold.
When there are people around me who wants my attention, you don't have to say anything, because you know i only have you in my eyes.
When i'm feeling down and lonely, please do say 'i love you'.
You don't have to laugh with me, but i hope you can wipe away my tears if you see any.

Lying on my bed, i was hoping that someone was there to hear me say good night. Was hoping that someone can sit beside me, eat with me, chat with me, and be with me. I guess it's natural for anyone to yearn for someone to dote on you, I'm no exception. I also wish someone to be there for me when i need him, and the comfort he gives can never be compared.

Love left and returned, but i'm really confused this time. 绕了一大圈，is this fate? I believe all of us have to go through certain things in life before you meet the right one for you, was it a test for me all this while? I felt guilty at times, but I guess the gratefulness is even greater. Didn't quite believe myself but i guess this is something we can't predict. 人心难测，we often don't realise who is the one who is true to you, and who are the ones who took you for granted. If one day you find someone who is worth cherishing, hold tightly to him till your life ends.

Looking back, what did i get in the end? What's my feelings now? I guess it will be a secret kept within me forever. Coldness and silence shall be my way to hide it. Whatever consequences there might be, it's fated. Heaven will give me an answer soon. Cheers.

刻骨铭心

2006-06-04T15:00:00.000-07:00

两个对的人，在错的时间相遇，是否能有对的结果？
一个对的人，为了一件错的事，只因错误的原谅，就应受痛？
两个错的人，在对的时间争吵，是否就此分手？
一个错的人，一句错的话，一段对的感情，一个伤感的结局。

相遇，如果相爱，那是幸福。
相遇，如果单恋，那是无奈。
相爱变成单恋，只能感叹，遗憾。

分开后，再见到你，
同样的场合，同样的情景，却有不同的感受。
选择安静的离开，也许可以逃避当时的心情。
看着熟悉的背影，熟悉的轮廓，感觉却是陌生的。

心痛只因还爱，遗憾只因不舍，
回想当初的一切，只希望找回遗失的幸福。
没有你在的道路，时间为我辽伤，
但它却无法为我们重来。

For Mum

2006-05-31T23:05:00.000-07:00

Dedicating this song to all the great mums.

The hand that touch my forehead when i was sick. I still remember when i was in primary school, whenever i'm sick, mum will sit beside my bed and press lightly on my forehead... i felt better. No matter what wrong i did, she will always help me to solve it regardless of how disapointed she was. I still remember to thank her in my heart on my birthday, as what dad said , she was in pain the day you were born. Mum, you are great.

Another hour to count down. 7 days of vegetarian.... i finally completed my vow. Well, it seems short, but it was kind of hard for me...a borned-glutton to take vegetarian for a week. Been at the temple everyday....praying.... asking for xxx good health...An insignificant act but my little 心意. Thought through a lot of stuffs while praying.... i asked a lot of questions, found some answers in the end. I shouldn't have made others unhappy while trying to find my happiness. To let go might be a better path for us. To forgive and accept is the route to happiness.

It was saturday night. In my car driving , had just asked albin to pass him his present, tears just fell after that. I felt confused..... maybe it's because i know he's opening the present, and inside me, i felt 舍不得.... cos it was my final effort made for him, and our paths parted from that moment. I drove on the road, tears just keep falling, and memories just keep flashing in my mind, seems like letting me having a last look at it. I drove to the bus stop, we once had our burgers there at midnight.... i drove to the lane when we ate in the car...i looked at the passenger seat, where i used to hold his hand, and once his head on my arm..... looking back...I know it's time to let go.

I replied his sms saying that i know what's he wants for us, he said i still don't understand him. I thought for very long, I don't understand what he wants because he don't wish to tell me straight. I was never good at guessing, I can only take what i see. For the past weeks, i kept finding excuses to make myself feel better, but it's only deceiving myself. There were times i missed him deeply, but i held back smsing him, cos i know it's not gonna help. Glad he liked the present, at least i've done what i wished for: to make him happy. Saw this in my friend's msn : 在没有你的地方辽伤, 只有时间陪伴着我...felt exactly like it.

Thanks for all the concern friends..... I'm alright... standing strong! Cos there's still something in me that gives me strength!

Having You

2006-05-18T07:08:00.000-07:00

I stood at the corridor every night, staring at the night lights, I will start thinking of you, tears will just flow unknowingly.

How can two person finish their life journey together? When one is tired, the other has to offer his hand and give him the strength to move on. So what if when both are tired? Would taking a break helps? Life still goes on no matter what, one of them has to initiate to carry on the journey, or it will have to end.

Learnt a valuable lesson in life, if you truly love someone, curb your anger and swallow the hurting words. Cos the regret will be deeper if I continue to hurt him with my words. Realised that my past relationships failed because of the revenge cycle, getting back at him doesn't make myself feel better or happier, only more hurt. We are humans afterall, and hurting words just fly in heated arguements, but after that..... it is all remorse and wounds. I've learnt to do that, after so much trials, but i still failed......failed to keep him in my life.

Talked to buddy, told him that how different this relationship is to me. Things we went through, the life we shared, the bond we had. The heartache strikes me while i told him all these, the memories just flowed back... felt so near but yet so hard to have it again. I have always wanted a story of my own, a story i can write until i can't write anymore. He shared that dream with me, and this believe kept me moving on. I told myself, leaving him doesn't mean the end, if there's love, the story goes on. My life was filled up and emptied once again. There were anger, laughter, sadness and happiness throughout, thinking back, i didn't regret having him in my life.

I Cried

2006-04-26T01:08:00.000-07:00

I cried reading the smses you've sent.
I cried holding on to the phone but u didn't answer.
I cried looking at the 2 blackies.

Staring blankly at the comp for 2 days. Seems like a zombie now. When love takes the wrong path, it becomes hurt. Locked myself in the room, reflecting on all that had happened...... was it really fated? Guess he did the right thing, leaving someone who doesn't know how to support him when he needed him.

Overheard mum talking on the phone last week. She's having problems with dad. "I know the kids will follow me if we split." Shocking....... I have no courage to face what is ahead. They had a fight on sunday i guess, the room door knob practically cracked. Mum locked the door in anger i guess. Will they divorce? Sigh.... Another down period....I wished he's was with me, but it's too late.

Seems like it's another prank heaven played. When I wanted to let go, he asked for a chance to continue our path. I thought we could walk it through together. Never thought that he could leave me to continue this path alone...... 对他而言，这只是一个未实现的诺言，对我而言，却是一道很深的伤疤。

"Making your partner happy when he is sad. This is the most contented thing i would feel. " This is what he told me. I failed to do so. I told him my only happiness now in life is you, and if you gonna leave, i will fall. I really fell, into a deep ravine that i can't seek the way out. Tears just fall unconsciosly.

I force myself to sleep...It's the only time i don't think of him. The feeling when i wake up is so painful, the thought of him not in my life anymore.

When Two Paths Meet

2006-04-06T03:42:00.000-07:00

People are asking why my blog seems dead..lolx. sorry guys! I've been busy dating. Nothing exciting, nothing fanciful, but a sweet little life for the both of us. Both of us are trying to know each other more meanwhile, getting use to all the bad habits, and of course realising the sweet side of him.

Understanding oneself and understanding others was never easy for most of us. It takes ages for me to realise what i wanted in life, and i'm still in the process of discovering more of it. Understanding others is considered a routine of my life, I have always been trying to know why certain people do certain things, and the difficult part is accepting it, worst of all, empathise with them. Sympathy isn't something most of us desire, pride takes in charge, but empathy is something that links people together.

Two weeks ago, dad flared up because me and brother was late for ONE minute. Gosh! To him, relationship between us is based on him as an elder and he expects 100% obedience, and a father will never wait a minute for his son. I told mum, it is not wrong for him to think that way, but if he's gonna build a relationship between us based on whether i'm on time or not, i guess it's not gonna be healthy for all of us. Dictatorship is already the past, and why can't we get along like friends?

快乐是我的不是你给的幸福要自己负责 (abstarcted from Jolin's song 柠檬草的味道), these few phrases were quite meaningful. To be happy with a half filled glass or upset with an half emptied glass is actually up to the individual. Life can be bad and unlucky, but i'm sure there's always something in your life that's worth your smile. Be glad with what you hold and begone with what you have lost. You can own the whole world, but if you are not contented, you will not be happy.

Some small little incidents that i found my moments of happiness with him:
1. He bought me a bottle of almond tea.
2. He held my hand in the car.
3. He ordered soya bean for me!
4. Sms: I miz u!
5. He wanted my attention.
6. He got jealous!

The Path

2006-03-16T04:05:00.000-08:00

Dawn popped a question in the tag board that day: what if the path is long without endings (worse of all, full of obstacles???) r u still willing to walk? --- maybe u should consider running instead of walking.

Worth pondering over...hmm... A path without ending can be good too isn't it? I do hope that my path with my Mr. A will only end the day i die. Even if it is full of obstacles, that makes the relationship even more worthwhile to cherish isn't it? And i'm still willing to take the path. Vice versa, a smooth path may not be a happy one... too boring isn't it? I feel that a relationship can only be natured when both meet obstacles and overcome them, years down the road, whenever you look back at this relationship, you can be contented that you came a long way with him.

Am i still willing to walk? Yes i am - As long he's willing to take my hand.

Consider running instead of walking? Well, i think what we all should learn is to enjoy the process and not being obsessed by the result. I know it's difficult at times, but i guess that's the way to happpiness. Loving someone can be tough, and we always hope that the other party can reciprocate, but fate is cruel. And only when we start to learn to appreciate the process, then we can really enlighten ourselves with the purpose of love. Running may be good when you are eager to see the end, but you might have misssed the beautiful moments meanwhile.

To walk or to run? In bad times, i would hasten my steps and be ahead of you, to clear the obstacles ahead and wait for you to catch up. In good times, i will take your hand, and stroll through the beautiful moments together. An old friend once taught me about maintaining a relationship: Be always there to grab him when he's falling, when he's tired, give him a break, when he's running, keep up with him.

Dina hopes to see my answers for this quiz:

7 things that make me smile:
a. My little monkey
b. A LOT of nice food
c. Cats and dogs especially deedee!
d. Buddies
e. My piano
f. When my family, friends and (a.) are happy
g. WarcraftIII

7 things i believe in:
a. Karma
b. Fate
c. Telepathy
d. God
e. Depending on yourself and not others
f. Happily everafter
g. Humans are borned kind at heart

7 things i do everyday:
a. Eat a tleast 3 times
b. Sleep at least 8 hours
c. Brush teeth x 2, wash face x 2, bathe x 2, scrub x 1
d. Talk to my little monkey
e. Think of him before i sleep
f. Look at myself in the mirror
g. Dig the fridge for chocolates/ice-cream

7 people i want to see them doing this quiz
a. My little monkey
b. Elf
c. Dr. Jeremy
d. Ked
e. Gary
f. Alvin
g. Mum

Though my mum won't understand or have any chance of reading this blog, but i really wonder what will be her answers...interesting eh!!

Funeral

2006-03-10T04:13:00.000-08:00

I remembered years ago i read a great book: Tuesdays with Morrie. There was this part about him holding his funeral before he died, so that he could appreciate all the care and concern from the people that he loved. Kind of meaningful isn't it? What's the point of showing your love when the person has already left this world, cherish what you have now. Tell him that you love him today, or else you might not have the chance again.

Kind of touched when I see words of concern in my tag board. Hee.... Well, I was just kind of lost for a while, guess it's good to be lost sometimes, and you can then appreciate the path that comes to you after that.

These words touched me:
i know i am wrong.. but i am prepared to start over again with u..learn frm mistakes..i wan to walk the path u are going to take and move on with u
I just wanted to say, even if I never talk to you again in my life, you are special to me and you have made a difference in my life
maybe like wad u said.. i am a very stubborn and sensitive person... in my heart.. definately there is a person named XXXXX... be it trust or wad.. i am still ready to slowly move on with u.. til the day that we are together..
if being with me.... means that for every moment of happiness, there will be 10 moments of sadness.. what wil u do? i will change the moment of sadness to happiness...cos i know i'm going thru it becos of that one moment of happiness
i am willing to walk the path with u...this is not abt fair or not...its abt mutual giving
being together...is going to haf a life...that only 2 person is walking...a life we call OUR OWN...if its going to be like sharing..

The above phrases are of my own collection, any similarity are purely coincidental. :X

Deceased

2006-03-06T06:25:00.000-08:00

It seems like a long journey in my heart. I hanged on and looking forward to a happy ending. When i finally saw some light, i got hit.

5th of March : Jaron pronounced dead.

Fighting back my tears was one thing i can never achieve in my life. I still can remember when i was young, I had always tried not to cried when i was caned, the pain was bearable, but the thought of my beloved mum hitting me just won't hold the tears. Unpleasant childhood? Nah..mine was great! Lolx.

Extreme awkwardness.Found it so hard to open up anymore.

I'm lost. Seems like a dead end to me this time. On my way home in PIE, there were so much things in my mind, 70km/h....i had never driven at such a speed with clear traffic.

Different Pace

2006-03-03T06:24:00.000-08:00

Haven't been writing for the past 2 weeks, well, nothing inspiring.....so nothing to write. Had been trying to curb myself from thinking too much for the past weeks. Elf just celebrated his birthday, we clubbed ..we drank and we ate. Our 'family' had a pleasant dinner on tuesday, there was a seat reserved for my "the other half"....but in the end, sad to say it was left empty.

Came across this interesting short story: Once there was this old man and old lady, this old man tends to walk very fast and the old lady tends to be slower. The old man always wonder why the old lady walks so slow and similarly, the old lady never understands why the old man walks so fast. However, no matter how fast the old man is, and how slow the old lady is, they had never lost sight of each other before. Because of love. The old man loves her deeply and never forgets to wait for her. The old lady, never fail to hasten herself to catch up with him.

All of us walk at a different pace in our lifes.... And it is love that allow us to overcome the distance and brings two person together, even though both are at a different pace. A simple little effort to accomodate can be such a touching scene.... Do we really appreciate it? I guess there are many things in life that we often can't bring ourselves to accept what others have done, maybe we can't allow ourselves to execute such acts, but at least try to understand the fact that others have their reason for doing so. Accomodating and understanding makes a relationship smoother isn't it?

When would you think that someone loves you? When he says it's because you are gorgeous or cute? Or is it when he thinks you are a sex god to him? Or when he brings you out for romantic dinner and expensive presents? Or when he plainly tell you right in your face "i love you!"? I guess none of the above would convince me...... Those would only mean that he likes you. When there's love, it's not about merit points anymore..... it's about accepting the ugly side of you. When he's still sleeping beside you even if you turn fat and ugly. The smallest cheapest gift can represent love as long there is meaning encrypted. The kind of self-scrificial actions might be a better impact of "i love you!".

爱与被爱不一定成正比。(Abstracted from fish leong's 可惜不是你) Found this statement quite meaningful. Love can never be fair, and can never be compared. What you have given may not be all requitted, just be glad that you enjoyed the process and let fate decide the ending. Been telling this to myself all my life, though i seemingly doing stupid things in the eyes of others, but that is what i will do for the sake of love, and i had never regretted. Move on when it is time to move on, at least I've tried my best . Easier said than done..lolx. Well, have to always remind ourselves that when you realise that there's no result to something....hogging on to it might be a hindrance to both parties and for his well being, it is time to let go, give him a chance to move on too. Love can take another form.

Been slacking on my school work for this week, guess i better buck up. Pray hard.....lolx.

Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T17:33:00.000-08:00

Dedicating this love song to all my friends, family and the special people in my heart.

爱是你眼里的一首情歌

总是不经意地想起，你喜欢哼的那首歌曲，

一样温柔的音，依旧牵动我的心。

我曾寻寻觅觅，想在文字里寻找爱情，

才发现最美的诗句，原来都在你眸里。

爱是你眼里的一首情歌，轻洋著飘逸旋律，

让我不知不觉地陶醉在，你缠绕的深情。

爱是你眼里的一首情歌，轻拨动我的心弦，

让我不由自主地深爱著你。

I remember that night when I looked into your eyes, I see tears.Was there love?

Love and Betrayal

2006-02-07T03:00:00.000-08:00

I still remember my recent entry about love starts with betrayal, and now Dina pops out another interesting question: Can love overcome betrayal? Hmm.... I guess this question applies to both sides, overcoming betrayal by yourself and accepting betrayal by your partner. I'm sure everyone has came across people that you are attracted to even though when you are attached to someone else, that has happened to me too, but it was just attraction, and when i think about how your boyfriend would feel if anything indecent did happen, i stopped myself. That's love isn't it? 2003 Dec, i sat in my car talking to J, tears in my eyes, i said to him: "I know you did me wrong and there's not way i can turn back time, but i still hope that we still can be together." I know it seems like pure stupidity that I can accept something so absurd, well that's love. Ked would understand that, cos he's been through that too. I guess it's the degree of love that matters....

I wished there was a husky with me now, at least i could tell him how i felt this very moment. Scorpios are often unwilling to open up themselves and if they do, be sure that they trust or love you. But once there's betrayal, you can never expect them to open up to you again. Scorpios are sensitive and emotional, but they don't show it, they feel it. And if you can ever understand and know what they are thinking, be sure that you are a great psychic, or their closest partners.

The zodiac ornaments are still on my desk, a scorpio and a taurus, bought it when i was with simon LP, the only one ever loved me so deeply. Wonder how is he coping with ns..... wish him all the best.

I finally got the answers i need, it's time to move on.

CNY

2006-02-04T06:45:00.000-08:00

Looks like my blog readers are even more anxious for new entries than me.... Hmm.... Saw quite a bit of dramas lately and kind of tired with all the crap. Beginning to enjoy the quiet life in front of my monitor and piano, that's human isn't it, they just get bored with doing the same things. How about loving the same person? Does it get bored too? Can't give an answer off hand? That's my answer : We will get bored of doing certain things with our partners, but we will never stop loving them, cos love does not disappear. Try engaging new hobbies together and love can be as sweet as before.

Joke of the month: Someone was accused of raping someone else when it was the other party who initiated it. :x I was telling the victim that maybe next time all of us should sign a sex contract that both are willing parties and none is suppose to take legal action there after. Ridiculous! Well, that's what rumours can do and some people just can't face facts and all their life is bugged by covering up previous lies.

Came across an interesting story in Lionel's profile. A love story between A & B. Found this particular portion really meaningful : Years passed, A and B were still together. Quarrels often took place because of the difference in their thinking. A starts to find B overly sensitive. B finds A always keeping everything to himself. Over a period, B starts to doubt A. They broke up. Did they forget they were once so in love..? Forget they were made to be DIFFERENT?Two people fall in love with each other becus they are so different. Until and unless, they learn to harmonize their differences and embrace the similarities, love will never survive.

Appreciate the similarities and accept the differences. That's what love can do. We often encounter failures of relationships with differences as a reason. Well, it is just like putting it across that there's not enough love to sustain it. Wilson once told me that love can overcome all difficulties, no matter how bad, how poor, how desperate, if there's still love, there's hope.

I feel like an aimless hermit.

Courage in Life

2006-01-18T05:00:00.000-08:00

My beloved PC is still under repair.:( Life without warcraftIII is SO boring! Got quite a bit of response for my last entry. Some gave the "omg" response (never thought i could be so bitchy?), some felt guilty and chose to avoid, some act blur, some confused (still pondering over did i do that?). Well, as the saying goes, life is full of ups and downs, you can't just expect everything to move on smoothly. Did something wrong? Face it! Nobody is gonna condemn you for a mistake, avoiding it is not gonna to make your life any better. All of us makes error in life, and we learn from them, if the way out is avoidance, there will be nothing learnt at the end of the day.

What is courage in life? Been pondering over this question for the past week. One can be so strong to face all difficulties in life, but when it comes to love, there's always fear in it. Fear of losing someone, fear of unrequitted love, fear of betrayal, fear of being cheated. Beginning to have the kind of awkward feeling again.... why am i so affected by the reactions, by the words and everything that happened.

Told Ked about how i felt that day, guess he was surprised by what i said. Seems like buddy also foresee that i have a rough road ahead, and true, the past days had been kind of rocky. The tremors of cold reactions was at times hurting. And i really think it's hard to withstand without any strong bond to start with. Guess i will just fulfil what i have promised and forget about the rest.

I've got a question recently. "What is your perspective analysis of love?" Well, love can never be analytical as no one can be rational enough to give love an analysis. I can give my subjective opinion of love though. To me, love occurs naturally and for a good cause. I remembered in my past entry, I wrote it's not about things they do or words they say, it's about things you can do for him, and words that you tell yourself about him. A state of selfless nature that you can do anything to give him happiness without expecting any return. That's love and it never disappears, only appear in different forms. A quote that i've always remembered:
LOVE is always patient and kind. LOVE is never jealous. LOVE is never boastful or conceited. LOVE is never rude or selfish. LOVE does not take offense and is not resentful. (Quote from "A Walk To Remember")

Next question : "What is your reason for settling down?" Well, i'm sure everyone says that he wishes to settle down but no one actually believes anyone who says it am i right? I didn't answer directly because i know there's no point explaining anything, only time will tell whether the person is speaking the truth. I guess there are people out there who believes me, as time has already proven to them. Back to the reasons, hmm... well, I want to settle down because i want him to know that he is gonna to have me for the rest of his life. Secondly, it's because i want him to end his search for his love of a lifetime. Thirdly, it's because i wish to give him a family that he can rely on for the rest of his life. And lastly, for his happiness till the very last moment i'm in his life.

I guess it's not easy to face these questions. It's easy to give an answer that sounds nice, but for one to really answer it with reality, it takes some courage i guess. To really sort out the kind of mix emotions within, to face love and all the possible consequences and lastly, prepare for commitments in future.

Dramas

2006-01-11T05:03:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: Contents below are purely my own thoughts, any occuring similarities are purely coincidence. Apologies for any case of suspected personal attack but honestly if you do feel the pinch, most probably you are guilty. :X

Didn't feel like blogging for the past week, things are getting kind of messy. Got quite pissed by a few incidents yesterday. Well, learned a few facts of life. Just don't get it why some people just comment without taking into consideration other people's feelings. Are men that selfish? Or is it that some of them just can't keep their comments to themselves and need to let everyone know. Trying to catch attention? Am i suppose to say "Wah! You are so knowledgeble leh! ". Or "wow, you are so observant!" (Duhzz)? It's ok to be bitchy once in a while, but when u keep doing it, it just turns people off. Learn to keep your mouth shut or mind your own busness if you meet someone bitchier than you are. Talking about scandalous, yes, i'm always labelled as one, but i tell myself as long as my conscious is clear, just let people comment, i don't see the need to defend or explain for myself. What about people scandaling behind my back? Interesting isn't it? Oops, am i getting too bitchy? (Aw, i'm so sorry but that's the way it is.)

Was thinking about the difference between real life drama and serial drama. The exciting part about life drama is that there are no chances of NGs for you. What you do will lead you on to your ending. No turning back. There is no script for you to follow either, you decide for your own path. Isn't it tiring enough to play your role in life, don't understand why some people can still stage their own drama and put up such entertaining acts. Trying to be someone else that you are not? Different kinds of people appear in my life everyday. Some pretend to be rich (so sorry , i'm not impressed), some try to be sincere (that's too easy to see through), some pretend to be honest (don't every try lying to scorpios, you lose), some pose as holy virgins (oh come on, virginity is not worth much nowadays), some try so hard to have dying love for XXX (when they are already sleeping with someone else). Best Oscar Award goes to????
Tips on how to stage a succesful drama:
1. Make sure that the weather is on your side ( Thunder storms are perfect for soap operas)
2. Make sure that there are enough audience to spread your legendary story.
3. Make sure your audience are dumb enough to believe you.
4. Bring some eye-mo ( In case you ran out of tears )
5. Have a sumptous meal before that. (You woudn't want your stomach growling while staging halfway )
6. Get all neccesary props ready and make sure that they are in working condition. ( Breakable bottles?)
7. Make sure all leading roles are timely chorographed.
8. Plan your speech well, don't stutter too much and forget your lines. ( Rehearsals needed?)

Had been thinking a lot about "waiting". What is the state of mind when someone is waiting for something? The wonderful images that appears in one's mind when they think of the ideal outcome, waiting can be beautiful. But what if things don't turn out the way it should? Greater disappointment? The greatest challenge in life comes when something negative is coming your way. You know it's coming and one have to just wait for it to come. I guess only a mentally strong willed person can survive that kind of torment, and i simply admire them. Well, it's always dramas of life that nurtures a stronger person, so that he can brave through tougher storms in future. The making of a better man?

New Year Resolutions

2006-01-04T20:48:00.000-08:00

Dina asked for my new year resolutions in the tag board and i suddenly realised i didn't make any. Oops, being too laxed on myself i guess. Hmm...Here it goes

1. Finish my masters degree.
2. Finish my 3 months army.
3. Find a good paying job
4. Make sure my family and friends are well and good.
5. Stay away from jerks
6. Lose another 5Kg
7. Learn a new skill
8. Visit a country other then Malaysia.
9. Eat more good food.
10. Get a date?

2005 Last Entry

2005-12-31T06:10:00.000-08:00

Hmm, shall write my last entry before the year ends. Looking back at 2005, seems like i didn't accomplish much, but i rested enough. Earned 0 dollars this year, passed my exams with As and Bs, dated a nice guy but nothing came out of it, drank a lot of chivas, got to know some new friends, ate a lot of food with buddies...hmm what else...

Been busy this week as Dino is in town. Brought him to many places to feast, in the end we ate more than him..lolx. Had a tarot card reading session with him the night before and it's quite interesting. Brought him to Whynot and they got him drunk....he puked!

Seems like love is playing a prank on me, when i thought i don't have it, it came and when i thought i had it, it left. People just come and go in my life, some claim to be interested and disappear after a while, some just say for the fun of it, some just treat me as a trophy, some are just plain horny and the rest.....confused. And at the end of the day, i'm seen as a flirt, cos i'm simply accompnied by different guys all the time. Well, i guess people don't really bother to understand the reason, all are assumptions and assumptions. I don't see the need to defend for myself either.

My predictions are all coming true, sad to say cos all were negative scenarios. As much as i don't wish to witness it happening, all is slowly coming to light. Maye that's why i seems unconcerned about all the dramas, cos i already knew it's gonna happen and not surprised at all. But why can't i predict my own stuffs? Guess it's always irrational for one to predict their own love matters. Love is blind.

Seems weird to everyone that i'm without a bf or date for ages, i'm trying to find the answers too! Fate or choice? Time is not right yet i guess... best excuse for whatever.

18 more hours to 2006. Put the past behind and look forward to a brighter future!(Super cliche..wahaha)

Love begins with Betrayal

2005-12-28T05:18:00.000-08:00

Sounds contradicting isn't it. Was trying to find some logic from it and it dawned upon me that i felt it before. If love does not disappear, the next love that comes along in your life has to be accompanied by betrayal for the previous love. The kind of guilty feeling that one cannot sustain for the one they might be wating for, well, it might not be a bad thing afterall, as we all often know that there's no point waiting for most cases. Moving on might be a beginning of a beautiful story. That phrase reminds me of Jialing, wonder how's she's getting on in Australia. Been almost 8 years since i saw her. Second girl i liked in my life, cum best friend in my secondary school days. I still remembered the conversation when i confessed that i liked her, wahaha...she practically forced me! "There's always someone occupying that special place in our heart." This phrase was how we started on that topic.

Christmas is over, and i really enjoyed myself. The christmas dinner at punggol was fabulous, 3 cheers for dawn & dina for the feast and yes elf too! Clubbed for 4 days in a row...worn out..haha. Thanks for all the presents too!

My dear Dr. Lim has patched up with Ken. Felt happy for them, it's really a waste if they had given up a 5 years realtionship. At least now they have given hope to many of us out there that long term relationship can be a reality. Hope he will remember this friend when he celebrates his ten years anniversary with Ken. Best wishes!

There are tonnes of love stories written everyday, and i guess the difference lies in not what has happened, but how one faces the reality. There's no right or wrong in love i suppose, and what comes out of a relatinship ultimately depends on what both parties want out of it, things they do, words they say. And the kind of emotions one gets out of a relationship is really up to the individual, and when it ends, the evaluation may differ from reality.

Sometimes it's kinda interesting to think back of past relationships and recall what was the impression i had and have another evaluation again with a rational mind this time. I often find myself doing stupid stuffs but i guess i don't regret it, cos i believe in enjoying the process of loving someone and i did. There's no happiness without sadness, and one can treasure happiness more after tasting sadness. I believe all that i went through was for a good cause, learning the facts of life and understanding the many many roles one has to upkeep in life.

My brother once taught me an important lesson: He said that he do not only have one role in his life, he's my parents' son, and he's also his girlfriend's boyfriend, and he's his friend's friend, he's my brother and so on. And things he does cannot just accomodate one party and neglect the others and when roles do clash, that's when you have to choose. He said decision in life has no right or wrong, there's only willing or not willing, happy or not happy. A decision that makes one party happy may in turn makes someone else sad. So always try to put yourself in others' shoes when you say or do something.

Planning for my KL trip in Feb. Finally! Interested parties please register early! Pests, misers, loudspeakers, stinkos, plastics & jerks will be ignored. Gluttons are welcomed!

All I Want for Christmas is....

2005-12-22T06:51:00.000-08:00

Had an unexpected call today, i looked at the caller id, hesitated for a few seconds, and answered. I could faintly hear his voice...... he must have accidentally called me. A familiar yet distance voice, I still remember that there was once he asked me what did i like about him, I said "your voice", memories starts flowing back. Well, at least i can tell tell myself now that it's already over and and looking back at it with beautiful memories. Moving on isn't that difficult after all, at least i know it did us good.

Was chatting with Ah Zheng while driving him to his bowling competition, I realised that he matured quite a bit, he said something that astounded me. He actually wanted to pay for the new computer.... He knows that mum doesn't have the money to pay for it, and also prepared to use his savings for university fees. Mixed feelings when i heard all this.....Glad that he has matured, and guilty because being his elder brother and 9 yrs older, I'm not yet able to finance him.Sigh....

Wanted to shop for some things after sending him, but went home eventually as it started to rain and there was a jam outside tampines mall. Got home and was really happy and relieved after receiving a message that i've been waiting for ages. Haha...guess that's the thing about waiting, the indescribable XXX feeling when u finally see the results.

Christmas is just days away...but i dun really feel the festive mood. No partner this year. :( Well, it is times like this when the singlehood phobia gets amplified..... Especially when one sees couples celebrating the festive season, can't help but feel envious. Santa Santa, can i wish for a partner this year? I accept raindeers too! But no elves! Lolx. :x

Birthdays, Birthdays & Birthdays

2005-12-19T07:28:00.000-08:00

Had a busy week with so much activities. BBQ, surprise birthday celebration at bedok jetty, birthday dinners, birthday celebration at pub. I'm almost worn out. Someone got drunk and did a strip show at tanjong pagar! Joke of the month : Who wants to see what's below? (Adapted from "The Promise") Personal joke.. No names mentioned!....lolx. :X

Quite surprised and delighted that there are people reading my entries. Surprised because it's mostly about my own thoughts, supposedly nothing interesting to others. Delighted because at least there are people who care..haha. And it is really interesting getting to understand the purpose of reading on. A lot of friends are surprised by the dramas i went through as i don't seem to be someone who is going through these. Some are curious about my life, some are curious about my character, some find it funny and entertaining to read my bullshits, someone said he learnt a lot of life lessons from my blog. I didn't know one can learn from others in this way. That's new. Well, it's purely my own thoughts, don't really wish to mislead anyone doing wrong things or making wrong decisions.

Begin to sense some tension building up, and a kind of prenomintion that a lot of dramas are in the midst of staging. The weather has been quite bad recently, and the flu virus have been accompanying me for a week liao. Just felt uneasy at times and I'm not exactly clear of the reasons. I think it's better to stay away for a while.

Realised something about Alvin, he's like an Aunt Agony for everyone around him. He seems to be the one people looked for when they are sad and needed someone to talk to. I wonder who's his Aunt Agony...wahaha. Guess he's seeing so much dramas around him that when it happens to himself, he can't really take it, or rather bear with it.

Sometimes i wonder whether poeple whom you helped will lend you a shoulder when you need one. Think everyone is so occupied with true love that we forgot about true friedships. Important too isn't it? But i don't really feel that people are sincerely looking for it. Just felt that a lot of us are often engrossed with the present engagement and forgot about past ties which should be treasured. Was chatting with an old friend online and i asked about his close friend. Apparently they have stopped contacting each other because he is currently hanging out with people that he think are cool and blah blah blah. I reminded him of how that friend had helped and supported him when he was down, he was such a true friend to him and it's such a pity that he didn't treasure the friendship. He was speechless.... Luckily he wasn't offended and still thanked me for reminding him..haha..phew!

Christmas is coming! But i'm too broke to buy presents. :( Well, but still can enjoy myself!

The Perfect's Flaw

2005-12-11T07:23:00.000-08:00

Heard a story about crystal glasses - an inspiring lesson. Learnt about how a tiny flaw can greatly impale one's impression with something almost perfect. Good things are often neglected, and likely to be overshadowed by little defects. When we expect too much from others, small errors can be misleading too, i guess i have to remind myself that, appreciate the good side of others rather than picking on them. What about expectations for myself? Trying too hard to be a better person for others... some appreciate, some don't.

A contradicting character of me: Sensitive yet uncomfirmative. I guess i'm someone who needs others to be really straight forward before i can be sure of their intentions and feelings. I can sense a lot of emotions but i just need them to voice it out before i can be sure of it. Taking words too seriously? Yes i do! Especially promises i've made. I'm taught to upkeep that since young. Maybe that's why i hate it when people make empty promises. Jerks.....

Alvin is in KL, hope he really can clear all his worries.... He just left without telling me. Never ask me want anything from KL!!! Kind of bogged down by so much dramas lately, tired tired tired. What about my story? I think it's still stagnant .... an occasional ripple by the same pebble and that's all. Guess i will just keep it that way, until i'm really sure of the situation i'm facing.

Cherish the ones who are good to you. Tell them that you appreciate their kindness and show him that you really care too. Don't wait, your chance may just have slipped and never return. This was what someone taught me when i just got into the circle. I still remember that Huizhen always like to use the analogy of "You won't get the same shop in the next town, once you missed it, there goes your chance." I've always told myself to try my very best to make a relationship work, even if it involves accepting him being disloyal before. Well i did that, but it still failed. I didn't even know why i did that, maybe because of love.... i hope it is. Best excuse for doing silly stuffs...

December Fest

2005-12-07T06:47:00.000-08:00

Everyone's been busy lately. Some are busy organising their birthdays, some are busy preparing for their boyfriend's or girlfriend's birthday, some are busy getting presents and cakes and me? Busy attending birthdays! 10 over birthdays this month...gosh!

6th Dec 2005, eventful day.... Dina Birthday - We had a sumptuous buffet dinner. Terry lost his beloved Happy, all of us felt the agony. A & C broke up - sigh. Elf got a unexpected info - shocked....

I miss J.

Was pondering about the case of a 3rd party. Being a 3rd party voluntary or involuntary .... sigh. Can love be controlled? I guess no one can possibly stop others from falling in love with someone else. And what if someone tells you that he likes you when he's already attached? My fault? Or my mum's? Sensitive issue.......

I cried at the carpark waiting for you to call back. I waited till 8am. No reply. You just refused to answer my call. I asked you is it really over between us - you told me "didn't i make myself clear enough?" You said you are not ready for relationship cos you don't have the time and money. And weeks later, you got involved with someone else, or rather a couple. I told myself that i will not let myself be hurt like that again. This was 5 months ago anyway. Forgiven but not forgotten. You asked me to go back to you..... I can't. Sorry. It's too painful for me to try again. 早知今日，又何必当初。

Realised that i'm being a nuisance. Guess i'm just trying too hard to be entertaining. Too much initiative will just make it seems irritating i guess. Think i better not make myself a clown liao. He will call me if he miss me.

Reasons why dating my piano is better than dating jerks:

1. I decide what to play, when to start and when to end with my piano. Jerks start dating, decide to make u fall for them, and dump you when they are sick of you.
2. I think of beautiful memories when i play the piano. Jerks just reminds me of all the evil things they have done to me.
3. My piano is always there for me. Jerks disappear when i'm in trouble.
4. I get pleasure playing my favourite music. I get fake promises just because of their pleasures and desires.
5. It's always me and my piano. Jerks always opt in a 3rd party after some time.
6. I get in return notes i want to hear when i press the keys. Jerks return you with false hopes and dreams when you are nice to them.
7. I just need to wipe and clean my piano for maintainence. Jerks just wipe out your money and emotions till you are bared.
8. At the end of it, my piano doesn't hurt my heart. Jerks do.

Double Blow...Double Awakening

2005-11-25T06:13:00.000-08:00

I finally plucked up the courage yesterday's morning and smsed Shawn, this was what i wrote:
Sorry if i disturbed you with my sms. I guess this should be the last one i have for you. I guess you don't really know how to reply me that day. Honestly, i only wish to know that for all these years, who am i in your heart. A classmate, an ex, or someone important in your life? Cos for all these years, i only receives birthdays messages apart from the times i met you. We might have a memorable past in your heart, but if you don't feel that i have a part in your life again, you can simply let me know and i will forgo what's left in me from you. I know it's simply you to avoid such things and i won't force you either, guess sms works well in this case. Just wanna let you know my doubts and how i feel for so long. These 5 yrs, I've kept all that's between us, gifts, letters, memories, and of course love. It's because of one promise 5 yrs ago when we broke up. And i guess it's time i end this stupid dream. I've thought for a long time before i sent this message. That's all i have to say bah. Yo do take care and best wishes from the bottom of my heart. Ciyi.

Half an hour later, a reply came:
I am grateful that you still hold me importantly. Over these years, my life has been really peaceful without much family problems like what i had the last time. Huizhen has supported me very much emotionally and i intend to spend my life with her. If i were with you, what would come out of the relationship? We often quarrelled, my mom cried, and i just don't feel normal. In the past, i was really blur, and thought that everything was a fairytale. I didn't believe boys can have boyfriends then. To me, it was unimaginable. Maybe that's was the root of our quarrels. Thanks for keeping everything, but do let go and find someone important to you. It is not fair for someone like me to bind you for so long, and i am undeserving. We did have a memorable past, but don't let it haunt you, or stop you from finding your happiness. We can't get back together anymore as i really like my life now. Everything in my life is peaceful and i wish it would remain this way. I know that your life has always been more colourful than mine, even from secondary school onwards. But for me, i am more simple and can't accept changes in my family, or my life. When we were together, i had so many heartaches, tears, and family problems. So please do not let me bind you any longer. How has your life been these few years? have you found anyone u like?

I replied:
I had never intended to disrupt your life now or make any changes to it. I'm glad that you are happy now and finally gave me answers that i needed. Smiles. take good care of yourself. I won't be by your side anymore as i woundn't want to upset anything. I'll just treat it as we never met before.

My eyes were sore and puffy. But i'm not sad, just getting sentimental after looking back at all these years, and looking back at our past. We went through so much..... family, friends, society, bad times good times, break ups, patch ups, distance relationship, army. it may just seem like a old tune to many out there, but to me, this was what i endured through 6 years with him, as a teenager then. I really felt relieved, letting go of a burden that i've taken for so many years.

I took a nap and decided to end it all today. The only person that i still can't let go. Smsed him that we need to meet and talk over things and he was kind of unwilling. Guess he was really busy. And he started to sms to ask me about what's my intention of the talk and in the end, i was accused of forcing him. I feel so wronged! He was the one who came back and ask for patch and in the end, gave up the relationship the 2nd time. And now i'm being accused of forcing him. Does love really change into something so scary, so hurting? 如果这是你的游戏，我输的一败涂地。Told myself to be stong, i didn't weep. Love does not take offense and is never resentful.

Really grateful to someone that chatted with me last night when i was feeling lousy. Though he didn't know what actually happened, i'm grateful that his companionship or rather entertainment was there for me through the phone. At least that kept me from thinking too much about what happend. Felt much better after that. Had a great meal at Macdonalds and went to watch "Just Like Heaven" with Joan and Elf. Nice movie! Guess no one suspected i had a bad day, i acted quite normally except for being rather quiet.

Well, at least it's all over liao. What worse could things get i suppose. I'm at the rock bottom already, things shall get better then. No more burden ... I feel so refreshed.

爱与祝福之间取舍

2005-11-24T05:54:00.000-08:00

Shawn sent me a birthday wish, was wondering whether it was Huizhen who reminded him. Well, anyway, i replied asking him whether he remembered what he said 5 years ago. Honestly, i wasn't expecting anything from him, just wanted know that has he changed for the better after so many years. Sad to say, there was no reply as expected. He hasn't changed a bit since 10 years ago, always avoiding problems, Jialing had that, Huizhen had that and i can't escape that too. They are getting married soon i guess, wished that Huizhen would be happy with him....won't bear too see any one of them hurt.

The pain will make you stronger, the fear will make you braver, and the tears will make your love deeper. This was one lesson Sasa taught me. Charles once told him that "there's always a reason for everything that happens", and this sentence was kept in my memory till now. I wouldn't have known Gary and Ked if not for Sasa, and these 2 brothers are one of my greatest gifts in life. I have always believed that all the people that has crossed my life appeared for a beautiful reason, and i do hope i was a good cause for them too. Jarell indeed left a deep scar in my life, and of course a special place in my heart.... and the greatest gift he had given me was the chance to have a deep bond with my buddy alvin, things we went through, chats we shared, food we ate! lolx.

Sometimes it's really amazing the way fate arranged our lives, people we meet, things we do..... and life turns out the way it is for us. And the sense of affinity can never be described when u chat with him, or just simply holding his hands. Elf has been baffling me with prenominitions ... and i'm simply confused. Allure added with info that i just can't compromise with what i see and feel. There's no definite answers in life, and i guess i just have to live with it.

Feel like clearing all the doubts in my mind, but i just lack the courage to do so. Changed my song for my blog, an old song that i like a lot. Message me if you want the song!

My Birthday!

2005-11-22T06:02:00.000-08:00

I'm 26 today! Yeah.... went to party world ktv just now with my close friends... Ah 9 and alvin made a cake for me, so touched. Shared with everyone the cards i received this year.... really appreciate all the efforts made: Descriptions below are strictly confidential!

A cute little card from my dear god daughter Dee Dee - a hyper-active white maltese puppy,
100% beautifully hand-made card and warmth wishes from 3 women or should i say 2 & a half? :x - dawn, dina and joan,
A feathery glamouraours one from terry - with a horrifying pic inside!!!,
A self sewn one from jasper - wow u can really sew?lolx,
3D card each from ah 9 and imran - can be used too!
Alvin - i think this is the first time he actually gives a bday card to someone in how many years? 10?20?
The heaviest & largest one - from Dett and how many kilos was that?
Frankie and joeseph both made really nice art pieces for primary school competition! creative eh!
Lionel tried to leave an impression - he thought his was the smallest..lolx..sorry DeeDee won!
Warren wrote a lot of stuffs inside - wow! you are really sentimental!
The one which i felt a sudden gush of memories - Jarell's card, with my chinese name on the envelope, and the cover of the card "for someone special in my heart"
I really like the blue glitters and diamontes in vincent's card.
Jennifer's card had the words 'speed demon' printed outside! you are forever the cheeky one!
Martin's fusion of the east and west - an ang bao together with a birthday card!
Ben jie had his iconic rainbow, he did it again! lolx
As usual ricky tried to bitch me even in birthday cards!
Elf made a LOT of effort in his GREEN card, and wrote a chinese poem with his horrible handwriting. Appreciated!
Crayon kid stickers! Robin had them in his card....so cute!
Most humourous award goes to Gary - the only with sound effect and bitchy too!

Sms : happy birthday. Was that all he could say to me? Well, i guess that was all he wanted to say bah. At least he remembered ..... yeah. Have to remember not to expect anything in return...argh...still working hard on it. Allure tried to cheer me up in msn .... and oh my, he didn't eat for 45 hours! gosh... he's so busy until like that.... hopes he takes care of his health.

Saw a crush i had years ago on the streets yesterday, he still looks the same, youthful and charismatic even in his thirties, but i never got to know him even as a friend, haha. Jeremy once said that crush usually won't develop into anything, what a wet blanket..haha, hmm, no hope then. Been enjoying my chats with him lately, happy guy and a real mean chilli padi, but it was real nice chatting with him, all his xxx theories and choc buffet...lolx. Waiting for him to come back sg and feast!

18 more hours to countdown. Time to wake up from my dream.

Between Like and Love

2005-11-21T06:19:00.000-08:00

Overate today, 11pm, had a super sumptuous nasi lemak - fried drumstick, otah, egg, fish cake, lucncheon meat, half a bowl of porridge and a pig's tail soup. Thought that was all for the night..... went Swensons in the end - earthquake, fries, fried mushroom, turkey & bacon sandwich, cheese burger, salad, another round of ice-cream. Gosh! Am i normal? lolx. Guess eating was the only happy thing i could think of bah.....but i guess i better stop that unless i want to remain unwanted.

Like and love ... i guess tons of people are confused by the difference. The description "love" is so offten used that i really wonder whether is it really love that existed between them, or was it just mutual liking? And when a relationship ends, was it really love that creates all the drama? Or was it shame and anger? Looking back at my past relatioinships, be it dates or bfs, there were all kinds of thoughts.... like, anger, crush, shame, trial, hoax, dream, and love. There was really love, i guess one can only give a rational answer months or years later after it ended.

Was thinking about "expecting from others and expecting from myself", balancing it was never easy throughout my life. I have always believed in giving more to others than what they are giving me, and not expecting any returns for what i had given. That was something i have learnt - a way to happiness. I guess i'm used to the former, but the latter is often an obstacle. I'm still a human being, and i guess expecting returns is simply a natural reaction, and sad to say, it is the root of umpteen disappointments in my life, and to many others too.

Had a simple celebration with my close friends at whynot on saturday night, got high and enjoyed myself. Presents, cards, cakes and alcohol! I loved the chocolate cake, super yummy! Really appreciate the efforts that my friends made to try to fulfill my birthday wishlist, thanks!~~Made a birthday wish when i blew the candles....but i think it didn't come true. Elf asked whether i'm happy this year, i answered "no....". I should be happy.... but how come i'm not? I guess life would be happier if one is able to let go and forget about certain things in life.

Will love come back after it leaves? Hope i get the answer in my dreams.....getting sleepy liao. Will continue soon.

1st Love

2005-11-16T06:15:00.000-08:00

Read my past entries again just now..... looking back... did i go through a lot? or was it just starting? Suddenly realised that my uneasiness for the past weeks might be be accounted for.

I still can remember 5 years ago, the unforgettable scene at the guard room downstairs. Shawn said :"I'm sorry ciyi, you know that we have to end one day, i have to get married ultimately, and since we have been quarreling so much these days, i think let just this be our last break-up." He didn't dare to look at me....silence...I was speechless. He continued "Maybe 5 years later, when we are more matured, we can be together again." It was this sentence that kept the reminiscence of him in my heart until today. I know that it was just wishful thinking on my part as he was obviously trying to pacify me. But i held on it as the only hope, the only hope of him in my life again.

I still remember 10 years ago, at a very quiet temple in Pasir Ris, we kneeled there, vowed for our love. Things kids do...lolx, well i did that. 2 naive teenagers at that time, thinking that life is so simple. Memories of us have been slowly fading away for the past 5 years, the impact each time i see him gets lesser, though i still can't control the tears in the end. Love will never disappear, i still believes in that. Wonder if shawn remembers what he said, guess he doesn't..... well, at least i can finally wake up from my dream.

My 21st birthday. At the chalet 2nd floor, looking at the mirror, putting on my contact lenses. Phone beeped...sms.... Shawn: Today is a special day for both of us. Though i'm not by your side, i wish that u have a happy 21st birthday. Tears flowed non-stop, I can't even wear my lenses. There were like 50+ people waiting for me downstairs to cut the cake. Put up a front, get done with the party, close eyes, sleep. Was wondering that will i get something like that this year?

Kept reminding myself that love doesn't have to be requitted. Just enjoy the process of loving someone.... seems like finding excuses for myself....self denial. Things people do when they are in love: waiting under the block for hours, leaving tonnes of goodies at the door, searching everywhere for the books he needs, trying to find out his reaction, staring at his photo, wishing him happiness with others.

I guess I need some adjustments in my life. New targets, new hobbies, new environment. Would appreciate some peace though. Getting overly confused with a lot of stuffs. Maybe things will get better after my birthday bah....hope so. Wonder how many items in my wish list can be achieved. Pray hard Jaron! Getting sleepy...talking nonsense liao....Shall end here.

Making Choices

2005-11-14T23:57:00.000-08:00

Found it rather hard to blog nowadays, i guess it's because i dun really like to share unhappy stuffs. Another hiccup in my life during mid of last month, no one realised that, i guess i succeeded in hiding it from everyone. Added a new song in my blog. Singer -> Confidential! Haha..but the song is nice right!

Well, i guess everything has to end somehow, there goes my peaceful life when i clubbed again. Good or bad, i wont know. Dun understand why there are so many shallow humans around. Am i one too? Looks, looks and looks is all that everyone is going after. It doesn't last, don't they get it? Kind of getting sick of entertaining people asking me whether i'm attached or not. I don't wish to lie but i don't want to get involved with anyone yet i suppose. I'm flooded with questions and questions everyday, and buggers stick around me for obvious indecent intentions, and subconsciously i became meaner with my words. I guess they deserve it.

Elf said i have to choose.... somehow or another... bugged....bugged and bugged. Got so confused with the situation that i seeked help from above in the end. And i got answers that had never been so blurred. Sigh....is this a test for me? I had given love that wasn't appreciated, given love that was taken granted for, given love that was seen as harm towards him and worst of all, given love that was seen as a pressure and given up twice in a row.

Is choosing that difficult? Drifting my thoughts...... i guess the greedier you are, the harder it is to choose. I guess i'm asking the same stupid question that millions have asked: why can't we just be told who to be with and just find him. There are so many question marks in my mind..... I guess i've already made up my mind but i just don't have the courage to face it.

Had a lot of dreams lately, mostly bad ones. Maybe under too much unnecessary stress..... had been thinking about the same thing every night, just can't keep it off. Argh.... wished that i can just knock myself unconscious every night. Chatted with Allure outside whynot on saturday nite, asked about a lot of stuffs..... mixed feelings....

Just read some comments my ex date made about me a couple of weeks back. Realised i'm actually such a jerk to him ..... i guess i didn't reall know how to express feelings. The more i tried not to hurt him, the deeper the misunderstanding became. I'm always the baddie....... Told alvin about it, he ask me not to bother but i simply can't, cos ultimately he was my date and i'm affected. But i guess it helps to let him forget about me faster, lesser pain bah.... i hope.

Birthday Wish List

1. A wedding ring from someone - not just a ring... a ring with commitments inscripted.
2. Self cooked dish - not bought, not instant made, something made with love.
3. Birthday card - A special wish from every individual that knows me.
4. Audi TT coupe - My dream car no.2, nobody will give me that except daddy.
5. Forgiveness - From those that i've hurt.
6. Blessings - From those who cares.
7. Last - A Birthday spent with him.

LP Smsed Me!

2005-09-30T04:15:00.000-07:00

Got a surprise today when Lp messaged me that he saw sasa in camp. Though it was a simple message, I was delighted. Missed him a lot, and glad that he's doing fine in camp. Hope he will become more matured and open up himself. Guess he's coping fine. yeah!

Went fish & co with my buddies and had a feast! haha...so full after that!

Appreciating my peaceful life. Though nothing great to be celebrated, i reminded myself to feel contented that things are still going fine for me. At least nothing really bad is happening. Stay healthy and be happy! Oh yes, thanks for the comments for my blogs, looking forward for more!

Touched

2005-09-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

Just watched the 跑吧孩子 vcd, got really touched by the movie. Tears nearly fell at the scene when the little girl was running to help her mum. Reminds me of how someone can overcome obstacles in life for the sake of love, the scene was such inspiring. The girl indeed deserved her award , she was definitely amazing! i was simply captivated by her tears.

Learning to be contented, hmm, guess it's quite hard for us in this realistic environment. Nonetheless, I guess we just have to constantly remind ourselves of that, the way to happiness. 知足常乐.... sounds simple, but can we do it? While people are striving to survive and we are here complaining about not enough enjoyment.

Beginning to realise that adulthood gets tougher as years goes by, the worries and problems gets more and more. Heavier responsibilities? Guess i'm spouting nonsenses again, haven't slept since yesterday after i woke up at 5pm. Hoping to switch back to normal sleeping timing. Sigh....abnormal human. Yawn.......

Someone asked me yesterday. Aren't you lonely? Why are you single for so long? Have been avoiding this question for so long....... I just don't know what to say. Maybe i don't even dare to ask myself.

Little things in life

2005-09-21T18:45:00.000-07:00

Been leading a peaceful life the past weeks. Was thinking about "adding meaning to little things in life". Maybe i was too bored, been thinking about lame stuffs, but i personally find it quite meaningful. Was doing some housework as mum was in China, thought about how she managed to do all this everyday for 30 years. That's love. Thought about every stroke of the mop should be made for love, for cleaning the place for your loved ones. Every grain of dust cleared adds to a little health for your family. That's what love is about?

Was quite pissed just now. It was really worthwhile that i put my old ugly pic in msn. It was then i realise that there were so many hypocrites and jerks in my msn list. They chatted with you because you looked appealing to them and when they thought that pic is actually me, one blocked me and another say i cheated. For dignity sake, i clarified using my cam. And they have the cheek to request to chat again! My God! Shallow humans.

Was sitting at the pool cafe after swimming. Kind of quiet today as it was raining soon then. Thought about what i chatted with junior that day. Being not naive is only a portion of growing up, i guess accepting the hurting truth is another stage. Being trapped at the first stage is quite traumatising, immersing in so many unacceptable facts in your life. Guess we are all still learning.

Chatted with Ked yesterday. Glad that he's happy and moving on. He said Albin is good to him. Contented! Been a year liao since he broke up with zw...time flies. He liked the present very much...hehe....took me 3 hours to shop for it and half an hour to pick.

Life is back to normal liao. Mum's back and no more housework for me! Yeah! Feel better..... Think i took mum for granted. Was wondering why i can't sleep at night.... is it because i'm avoiding the perpetual feeling before i sleep, the kind of troubled and lonely sentiments. Hmm...being happy for the rest of the day and just a few minutes of unhappiness isn't that bad i guess.

I finally send the sms. Was contemplating for weeks. At least i got a nice reply. Feel much better.

Resting

2005-09-07T14:46:00.000-07:00

Stopped clubbing for a month....how do i feel? Relaxed...... It gets kind of frustrating at first when there's nothing to do on friday's and saturday's night.... well it got through. Vcds, mahjong, steamboat, coffee, warcraft....Hmm....back to the point why i stopped clubbing-> health sake. Less smoke, less alcohol. Well, i do feel better these days.

Have been swimming for the past 2 weeks. Much tanner, kind of worried for my skin again. BUT... swimming is good for asthma. Quite a few friends asked me why the sudden change again.... haha... scorpios are indeed unpredictable. What spurs me on in life....what hit me in fact?

Five years ago, an unexpected rejection created the jaron who thought looks was everything in this circle. He changed ... for the better or worst? i still can't find the answer today. But all i knew from that day onwards, he gets hurt again and again. Until he thought that looks actually wasn't that important, what's the point of being good-looking...in the end...all was just a hoax.

I made a test and i lost again. Humans are realistic creatures.... Looks are still important not matter how kind u are. Not only looks.... money....status... and all u can find in this materialistic world. How about letting go of my dream of true love.... maybe i should find someone who is better looking, taller, richer, smarter than i am.

Seeking similarity... "hey i love that song too!" "I have that colour too!" "i love to eat that too!" The affinity towards similarity is so convenient. We are somehow made to believe the compabability when similarity arises. Have we ever thought of accepting the difference? Trying to accept the way your partner is. Not mentioning appreciating, accepting can be the first step, and when the day u can tell yourself:"i love the way he snores when he sleeps." that love......

I still remember the conversation with alfie years back: When we say love....it's not about watching movies, having meals or even living together. And of course not about sex between them. It goes back to the feeling between the two, and the kind of sacrifice one is willing to make: like donating one of your kidneys. Am i willing to do that? until today i think i can't... maybe to shawn.

Jeff is leaving again....2 months... hopes things goes well with his new bf. Guess he really needs someone to take care of him. So messy!

Singlehood feels kind of refreshing....no commitment, freedom, carefree, less worries, tons of free time, blah blah blah....am i'm finding excuses for my loneliness? be it retribution or what....that's my life i guess.

Meeting eyes

2005-07-23T05:30:00.000-07:00

It's another weekend. Friday clubbing was great, got high on alcohol...drama drama... played mahjong at punggol after that. Saturday was lousy, not enough sleep, pissed off by a lot of things. Have to learn to take things lightly bah, and this will make me a happier person, less worries, less anger. Quite sympathise some people who gets upset or unhappy over minute things in life, their life is full of unhappiness and suspicion. If every dollar and cents in your life has to be fulfilled, kind of overly calculative, which i think really makes a life miserable or rather difficult.

Our eyes met every weekend, and both will shun away, i guess i still can't get him off my life. Fate fate fate..... but i just can't come to terms with it. The last conversation we had just keep haunting within me, guess it really had a great impact on me.

Time for a change

2005-07-20T05:51:00.000-07:00

I've always been skeptical about being good looking.....does it last? Yes you can be a pretty boy when you are young but ultimately age will come looking for you, and botox will be your next best friend. From head to toe, fake stuffs will soon emerge and soon you will look like a freak with a face of 20 and age of 40. Sounds scary? I guess charisma is the thing that we have to cultivate to age gracefully, so what if you are gorgeous looking but lacks the ability to carry it out. In the end you will just be an advertisement ( attention seeking for a 60 secs ), and after that? Alas.....turn off! reminds me of ah lians carrying LV accessories. Wahaha.

I've came across a few guys with average looks but with an exceptional aura that makes them so attractive. And i guess they will still be attractive 20 years down the road. this is what i call eternal beauty. yeah!

Change change change..... is it time again to make changes? Somtimes changes are made for the sake of changing.... just because sticking to the same thing sometimes is kinda boring. Shall i shave my head bald this time? lolx.... i know it's disastrous but what's wrong with looking ugly? hehe... I guess it is tiring to appear your best all the time, hiding the ugly or plain side of yourself too much isn't that healthy afterall. And ultimately your partner will see you without make-up and hair-do one morning and gets a shock of his life. Is that part of growing up? Or just plain excuse for being lazy....haha..

Haven't bought anything for months.....getting itchy! Hmm..... $$$$....sigh....

Shawn's birthday is coming. Wonder if anyone remembers his chinese birthhday. 5 years liao....sigh... Hope he's doing great.

Hope i dream of something to change tonight. Hehe....zzzzzzzzzzzzz

I've Lost

2005-07-19T06:10:00.000-07:00

Kept asking myself this question, seems that settling down is getting harder as i get older....Why is that so? Pondering....

Just read through my past blog entries months ago....looking back...relieve?regret? It's over anyway.

Dreamt of Lp last week, realised that i really miss him a lot, but i guess he still think otherwise. Called him but seems that he didn't really want to chat with me.

Ended a date that i quite treasured weeks ago..... Guess dragging on will hurt him further. Friends say i'm the bad guy again ... guess so.... but that doesn't mean i feel good does it? Relationship phobia, the word commitment now scares me, i use to love it so much. Sigh...

J thinks i'm a slut. Guess it makes him feel better, can't control myself when i saw him hugging someone at the bar counter last friday, and finally the tears flowed. Dawn saw me and thought i was tearing because i was drunk. Can't stop myself, called gary to ease the tension. For so long, why can't i just let it go? Move on! can't stop thinking.

Went back to punggol flat after so many months.... felt different. No more married couple, sister-in-law left. Now i see my friends staying there, a loving couple.....so sweet...happy for them. Cheers! Looking forward for alvin di to bbq at the sky garden outside....such a great place!

Anson got enlisted liao....wahahaha....time for him to grow up i guess. Hope he will be a better man after his bmt. Will see him when he books out...lolx...mr. botak.

Clubbing seems so empty recently, or am i too used to it. Same songs, same drink, same faces and same drama? Can't seems to quit clubbing.... guess there's nothing much to do other than that on weekends nights. Kind of miss the days with Ked and Gary at marina mandarin lounge.

Jack is out of love again, guess it's another distress period for him again. hope he get over it soon. Just realised we've known each other for quite long, from the time we started dating 4 years back. Time flies....He seems to have matured quite a bit.

Kind of lost with my life now.... lost the drive to do stuffs, lost the faith in love, lost the trust i had.

Will Leaving Help?

2005-02-15T02:16:00.000-08:00

A nature of scorpios: prefer self help, and will only help those who doesn't give up on themselves. Am i seen as cold-blooded often? Cos i just stand one side and keep quiet. I do care but i guess it's better for one to handle the matters of the heart yourself.

Will leaving help? Is it avoiding? I guess leaving quietly will be good, take a break and start afresh. Hope AZ can do it. Valentines is finally over, agony is also over. It's time to move on.

Time will tell everything.....starting to realise that things are not so beautiful afterall, not so perfect, not so.........sigh. Jeff is back from KL, hope he enjoyed his trip with his bf, must have bought a lot of stuffs bah.

Valentine's Day

2005-02-13T08:20:00.000-08:00

What a day to remember, exactly 1 year ago, Lp bought dinner for me. And we started. One year later, i cried while talking to him. Gave him my favourite ring today, hope he will remember me.

How does it feel like when the person u love is not with you on valentine's day? Pighead asked and i dunno how to answer.

Looks like i can't celebrate v day with a bf, the last time was 7 years ago i guess, can't remember. Met lp today, had dinner with him, glad we are at least talking to each other. Love does not disappear, it just takes another form.

The Pighead Story

2005-02-10T13:16:00.000-08:00

Real life story:

Pighead fell in love, Pighead miss him, Pighead can't find him, Pighead waited downstairs for him, Pighead didn't see him, Pighead stood there, Pighead cried, Pighead wanted to tell him "Sorry, i love you", Pighead waited, Pighead said "I'll give up", Pighead kept the pain to himself, Pighead sacrificed, Pighead went home, and Pighead told me about it.

LOVE is always patient and kind.

A Day in JB

2005-02-01T08:58:00.000-08:00

Skipped school today, accompanied Gary and the rest to JB. Saw so many things to buy but can't afford. Made an important but stupid decision today....but i guess it's good for all of us. Kept telling myself that i can take it....But tears fell..... Am i too weak?

Lp messaged me, he wants to patch. I dunno how to answer him. Lost......it hurts.....In the end found out that he's gonna accept someone else. Guess i couldn't control myself..... But i still wish him good luck.... Hope the someone can take care of him better than me. Love is never jealous.

Love does not end even when both can't be together. Love takes another form then, blessing the other one from afar...wishing him happiness and holding his heart from a distance. A special friend until the day i die, the love will stay within. It's painful when u can't love the one u love. but i guess i will get use to the pain, and everything will turn out well slowly. It takes time.....hope so....

Did u leave anything behind?

2005-02-01T03:13:00.000-08:00

Took a cab to school in the morning, the teller said this sentence after announcing my taxi fare "Did u leave anything behind?" What was the first thing that came to my mind.....handphone...wallet....the most important things of course.

How about asking yourself: "Did u leave anyone behind?". Have you ever thought about anyone that u left out in your life.....someone who cares for you but left aside by you, cos there is someone else who is more important.

Is waiting painful? I guess it's not when u can see the end of it. What about waiting in vain? With no aim and no end..... and there's nothing u can do about it. What can be done? Shrugs in despair.....

Love does not take offense and is not resentful. I don't blame anyone..... It's all my fault bah.... I'm the bad guy.

Don't just say u love him? What have u done for the person? Was it for yourself or for him? I always believe that my mum is the the person who loves me the most, she loveed me for so many years without expecting anything back, am i able to do this for my partner? Love in our own way or love him in his own way? What's the point of loving him in your own way when to him you r not. Complicated question......

Dried up

2005-01-30T06:00:00.000-08:00

Announced broke. Chinese new year coming, and i don't even have the money to buy clothes.....sigh... pathetic. A new year coming, hope things will turn out well. Wife gone, brother divorced, company getting sued......sianz

Shawn said 4 years ago: "nothing daunts you". Am i trying too hard to be brave? Or am i facing too much in my life. Y do i need to protray a "forever good life" image? Is it the nature of scorpio to hide their problems? I just dun wish to trouble anyone.

Des asked: "Why did u choose this path?" U have everything a guy aspires. My fault? Shrugs....

Got bitten all over the body by 2 mad women....lol....but we really enjoyed ourselves...Friends always ask me, y did u drink so much. Well, same old reason, it let us forget our problems for that moment.

When Love Ends

2005-01-27T07:23:00.000-08:00

Dun understand why someone can get so cold and ruthless when love ends. Is it hatred? It hurts when someone u love return yout things that you gave. The feelings that was given when the gift was bought is all shattered. Well, kept reminding myself that it is not the result that matters, as long as i'm happy doing it, it's enough. LOVE does not take offense and is not resentful.

Living by Myself

2005-01-26T03:24:00.000-08:00

Life had never been so quiet for months, felt kinda cool and peaceful. Sitting by the adge of grass patch at raffles place, biting my lunch, suddenly i felt relieved, away from all the dramas in life. Maybe i was tired after the run, but the urge to rest is finally coming back. Lesser late nights, lesser tire.

School started, tons of assignments flying in, with requirements stricter than ever. 6000 words essays for just 50 percent of the grade, sigh....... Great to see my classmates again, the hollidays was short but i really enjoyed myself. mahjong , clubbing on Fridays TILL Sunday.....wahahah.....decadence.

Love is not coming back.....i guess.....time to take a break.....Settle the problems first. Marriage now seems like a nitemare, a cage and a path to? Confusing, guess i'm not matured enough..

Back by popular demand!
Another ten villian acts...hmm..i shall name it hot bitching acts:

11. French kissing someone's else boyfriend in v club. Sounds familiar?

12. Pinching each other butts in public. You scared other people dunno u gay izzit?

13. Arms around each other, biting you biting me. Feeling hungry?

14. Getting upset and make a big fuss when someone who is NOT your boyfriend gets scandalous with others.

15. Stealing alcohol in clubs...... Trying to drink from others bottle. Half half! Familiar?

16. Meeting old friends in club and end up with love bites all over the neck the next morning. Hmm....i know what u wanna say!

17. Going to amoy street instead of going back to v club to sleep after clubbing. Scandalous?

18. We are just "friends". So sorry, it doesn't look so simple to us!

19. Squeezing into the bed with others when there are plenty of beds elsewhere in v club. Feeling cool?

20. Dancing like a dog pissing? Wahahah.....latest joke!

What is love?

2005-01-24T01:11:00.000-08:00

LOVE is always patient and kind. LOVE is never jealous. LOVE is never boastful or conceited. LOVE is never rude or selfish. LOVE does not take offense and is not resentful. (Quote from "A Walk To Remember")

This phrase reminds me of Sasa, wonder how is he now. Took me 2 years to get on with another relationship, and it ended again. Guess it's my fault again. What does it takes for a relationship to last? Love? Enough? Dun think so.LOVE is always patient and kind.

Going through a down period of my life, A marriage that i tried means and ways to fight for has ended, 2 mariages to be exact. Suddenly i realise getting married is such a burden.......and it hurts to see my brother so upset. I dunno what to say to him, all i can do i to support him, and help whatever he wants. Being close to both of them, I dunno what to do. LOVE is never boastful or conceited.

Am i born to be bad guy? Is it really my fault? BingBing accused me of being the third party when i was with Jarell, and in the end i accuse Rico of being the third party between us. If i said BB was wrong, am i wrong too? What makes the failure of a relationship? Was i a lousy bf and that's why he left me for someone else? Well, that was a year ago and i guess it shall be forgotten, or at least forgiven. Love does not take offense and is not resentful.

Being the third party, by fate or luck i dunno. Did i do anything wrong? I'm lost..... i'm labelled as the bad guy by everyone. Am i suppose to ask everyone to stay away from me? Or ask them to tie their partners up so that they can't run away. Are they being selfish? LOVE is never rude or selfish.

Reflection, i always tell people to look at themselves before commenting, did i do that? I hope i did.

Top ten villain acts that i condemned:

1. Borrowing money from me and take it for granted that you don't have to return cos i seems to be a dumbass to you.

2. Keep delaying debts and giving lame excuses for not paying. Example: The God said that i can't pay you with my 4D winnings cos it's not auspicious and i should use it to buy things for myself.

3. Repaying the help that i had given when you were down by backstabbing me.

4. Taking advantage of me and taking me for granted.

5. Bragging about success when there's nothing great about things you had done. Classic phrase: Do you know who am i? Although i'm only X X X, I can ban you from all the clubs! ( He actually believed it!)

6. Acussing others when you yourself is doing it. It's nature for human to err, but do you realise u r doing it too?

7. Leeching on others and expecting people to feed you when you are just a piece of trash. Common terms: Can you buy XXX for me, i pay u later(the later means after life), ni bu teng wo le! Buy this for me lah.... (Bullshit!), going out with people and keeping quiet when the bill comes, expecting the others to pay for your share.

8. Acting sweet and decent in front of others, but doing something else behind. Best oscar awards goes to? Drama and drama......

9. Cheating others of their money and properties. Stealing handphones, exaggerating phone bills when it's not their own usage, owing money and disappearing, sharing cab but never give their own share.

10. Using other people properties for illegal acts or dealings.

I clubbed again - disaster

2004-12-06T08:50:00.000-08:00

Said i wun be clubbing for some time, but i still went in the end. had a another weekend of decadence. Was supposed to study for my exams, well, guess i will push it to next week as usua. Quarrelled with lp again, guess we can't get along, no matter how hard we tried. Guess it is all fated.
Shouldn't had went Happy on sunday night, it was so stupid. My legs were sore, damn sleepy, can't drink, looked shag and ugly! Didn't know what the hell was i doing, guess i was quite upset over what happened ove dinner and didn't know where to go at night.
Have to get my schedule right this week. Need to get a healthier lifestyle. Need to diet, need to rest, need to study.Shall go to gym tomorrow.....will i? Pondering.......hmmm....will try to.
LP is sick, said i dun care for him.....dunno what to say....guess i'm not a good LG.
What is responsibility? It is just things u have to do in the eyes of others......What about responsibilities to myself? guess the only resposibility is to be responsible for others.....complicated? Forget it then.
Christmas is coming, no mood though.....exams coming....stretch from Christmas over New Year, fucked up school timetable....argh!!!!!

Finally Back on Track

2004-11-30T06:33:00.000-08:00

After so months, I'm finally back to write. The past months had been like a dream to me......wondering around and having fun. Realised a lot of things and learned many facts of life, made some important decision and hope i can stick to it. Shall end here for my first entry, churning thoughts.......churning...