Back after 2 years

A few weeks back, happen to read through my past entries, glad i took the effort write it then, guess its good for people like me who has slight dementia. :x Well, friends i met up with has been asking, do you feel old? Well, honestly speaking, I don't, but i have to say yes to them in case they think that i bhb. But i seriously don't feel old cos i only feel i'm 32, and i'm 32! Comparatively maybe yes, but i was 22, so nothing to regret anyway.

Since it's been 2 years, i shall have a short recap. The whole of 2009 was work, work & work. Earn quite a bit, and spent all of it, oops, I enjoyed the spending, oh well. 2010, hmm, bad year for me i guess. Reconciled with someone i loved deeply and found myself in hell now, got into the deepest depression mode ever and suffered damages that i could never imagined.

Chatted with Ked for hours that day and felt much better after pouring everything out to him. I thought that was the end of it, but bad things just doesn't stop usually. 4th May 2011, worst day of my life for 32 years. Disappointment to my family, and even to myself, something that can never be amended for life. I'm having countless nightmares even till now. I shall let the details remain as a secret for the rest of my life.

Made an important decision today, i removed every single reminiscence of him, after seeing a grindr tag that totally grossed me up. "Dun waste my time if you r looking for ons" Irony isn't it? After all the betrayal all these months, one can actually announce that looking for ons is wasting time. I admit that i still can't let go, but i'm seriously helping myself to get out of this.

I cleared his sms, removed his pic, removed his grindr link, removed him from my life. I hated myself for being softhearted, hated myself for being sentimental, really really hated myself for loving him unconditionally. Worst of all, hated myself for believing that he did love me. I finally understood the kind of hate Francis felt months ago, i guess it wasn't coincidental.

我把你的电话从手机里消除了 我把你的消息从话题里减少了
我把你的味道用香水喷掉了 我把你的照片用全家福挡住了

你让我的懂事变成一种幼稚 你让我的骄傲觉得很无知
你让我的朋友关心我的生活 你让我的软弱陪伴你的自由

离开我你会不会好一点 离开你什么事都难一点
车来了坐上你的明天 车走了我还站在路边
离开我你会不会好一点 离开你什么事都难一点
风来了云就会少一点 你走了我住在雨里面

A special song from 陶子. She never fail to touch me with her songs when i'm sad.

Well, life goes on, I keep telling myself that I need to be strong, and i have to stop the tears somehow. The very first time i cried in front of him, i told him there are tears because i thought the r/s woud last, and I'm crying because i've lost it. The nights when i can't get to sleep, i kept thinking, if i can spend my life hating him, i will spend my life requitting whoever can get me to move on.

So much for bad romance, hmm, Feb 2011, i officially took up a new post as Sales Manager. Got a drastic pay cut cos no more commission. Work load is physically lessen but more stressful with more responsibilities. Managing 12 monkeys is really a headache, with various crappy reasons for not coming to work everyday. It's never easy handling anything that is the pioneer batch, am i lucky or unlucky? Guess fate is giving me the challenge again.

Happen to drive past Shawn's house a few weeks back while on work, suddenly had the phenominal feeling that i may bump into Huizhen, and i really did! While driving past the bend, her car appeared right beside mine in opposite direction. She didn't see me, or i guess least expected me. I was overwhelmed with mixed feelings throughout, about her, about him, with eveything that happened back then. I guess this will be a memory for life.

Seems like something really significant gonna happen in my life. My right eyelid has been twitching for months.....