Double Blow...Double Awakening

I finally plucked up the courage yesterday's morning and smsed Shawn, this was what i wrote:
Sorry if i disturbed you with my sms. I guess this should be the last one i have for you. I guess you don't really know how to reply me that day. Honestly, i only wish to know that for all these years, who am i in your heart. A classmate, an ex, or someone important in your life? Cos for all these years, i only receives birthdays messages apart from the times i met you. We might have a memorable past in your heart, but if you don't feel that i have a part in your life again, you can simply let me know and i will forgo what's left in me from you. I know it's simply you to avoid such things and i won't force you either, guess sms works well in this case. Just wanna let you know my doubts and how i feel for so long. These 5 yrs, I've kept all that's between us, gifts, letters, memories, and of course love. It's because of one promise 5 yrs ago when we broke up. And i guess it's time i end this stupid dream. I've thought for a long time before i sent this message. That's all i have to say bah. Yo do take care and best wishes from the bottom of my heart. Ciyi.

Half an hour later, a reply came:
I am grateful that you still hold me importantly. Over these years, my life has been really peaceful without much family problems like what i had the last time. Huizhen has supported me very much emotionally and i intend to spend my life with her. If i were with you, what would come out of the relationship? We often quarrelled, my mom cried, and i just don't feel normal. In the past, i was really blur, and thought that everything was a fairytale. I didn't believe boys can have boyfriends then. To me, it was unimaginable. Maybe that's was the root of our quarrels. Thanks for keeping everything, but do let go and find someone important to you. It is not fair for someone like me to bind you for so long, and i am undeserving. We did have a memorable past, but don't let it haunt you, or stop you from finding your happiness. We can't get back together anymore as i really like my life now. Everything in my life is peaceful and i wish it would remain this way. I know that your life has always been more colourful than mine, even from secondary school onwards. But for me, i am more simple and can't accept changes in my family, or my life. When we were together, i had so many heartaches, tears, and family problems. So please do not let me bind you any longer. How has your life been these few years? have you found anyone u like?

I replied:
I had never intended to disrupt your life now or make any changes to it. I'm glad that you are happy now and finally gave me answers that i needed. Smiles. take good care of yourself. I won't be by your side anymore as i woundn't want to upset anything. I'll just treat it as we never met before.

My eyes were sore and puffy. But i'm not sad, just getting sentimental after looking back at all these years, and looking back at our past. We went through so much..... family, friends, society, bad times good times, break ups, patch ups, distance relationship, army. it may just seem like a old tune to many out there, but to me, this was what i endured through 6 years with him, as a teenager then. I really felt relieved, letting go of a burden that i've taken for so many years.

I took a nap and decided to end it all today. The only person that i still can't let go. Smsed him that we need to meet and talk over things and he was kind of unwilling. Guess he was really busy. And he started to sms to ask me about what's my intention of the talk and in the end, i was accused of forcing him. I feel so wronged! He was the one who came back and ask for patch and in the end, gave up the relationship the 2nd time. And now i'm being accused of forcing him. Does love really change into something so scary, so hurting? 如果这是你的游戏，我输的一败涂地。Told myself to be stong, i didn't weep. Love does not take offense and is never resentful.

Really grateful to someone that chatted with me last night when i was feeling lousy. Though he didn't know what actually happened, i'm grateful that his companionship or rather entertainment was there for me through the phone. At least that kept me from thinking too much about what happend. Felt much better after that. Had a great meal at Macdonalds and went to watch "Just Like Heaven" with Joan and Elf. Nice movie! Guess no one suspected i had a bad day, i acted quite normally except for being rather quiet.

Well, at least it's all over liao. What worse could things get i suppose. I'm at the rock bottom already, things shall get better then. No more burden ... I feel so refreshed.