Back after 2 years

A few weeks back, happen to read through my past entries, glad i took the effort write it then, guess its good for people like me who has slight dementia. :x Well, friends i met up with has been asking, do you feel old? Well, honestly speaking, I don't, but i have to say yes to them in case they think that i bhb. But i seriously don't feel old cos i only feel i'm 32, and i'm 32! Comparatively maybe yes, but i was 22, so nothing to regret anyway.

Since it's been 2 years, i shall have a short recap. The whole of 2009 was work, work & work. Earn quite a bit, and spent all of it, oops, I enjoyed the spending, oh well. 2010, hmm, bad year for me i guess. Reconciled with someone i loved deeply and found myself in hell now, got into the deepest depression mode ever and suffered damages that i could never imagined.

Chatted with Ked for hours that day and felt much better after pouring everything out to him. I thought that was the end of it, but bad things just doesn't stop usually. 4th May 2011, worst day of my life for 32 years. Disappointment to my family, and even to myself, something that can never be amended for life. I'm having countless nightmares even till now. I shall let the details remain as a secret for the rest of my life.

Made an important decision today, i removed every single reminiscence of him, after seeing a grindr tag that totally grossed me up. "Dun waste my time if you r looking for ons" Irony isn't it? After all the betrayal all these months, one can actually announce that looking for ons is wasting time. I admit that i still can't let go, but i'm seriously helping myself to get out of this.

I cleared his sms, removed his pic, removed his grindr link, removed him from my life. I hated myself for being softhearted, hated myself for being sentimental, really really hated myself for loving him unconditionally. Worst of all, hated myself for believing that he did love me. I finally understood the kind of hate Francis felt months ago, i guess it wasn't coincidental.

我把你的电话从手机里消除了 我把你的消息从话题里减少了
我把你的味道用香水喷掉了 我把你的照片用全家福挡住了

你让我的懂事变成一种幼稚 你让我的骄傲觉得很无知
你让我的朋友关心我的生活 你让我的软弱陪伴你的自由

离开我你会不会好一点 离开你什么事都难一点
车来了坐上你的明天 车走了我还站在路边
离开我你会不会好一点 离开你什么事都难一点
风来了云就会少一点 你走了我住在雨里面

A special song from 陶子. She never fail to touch me with her songs when i'm sad.

Well, life goes on, I keep telling myself that I need to be strong, and i have to stop the tears somehow. The very first time i cried in front of him, i told him there are tears because i thought the r/s woud last, and I'm crying because i've lost it. The nights when i can't get to sleep, i kept thinking, if i can spend my life hating him, i will spend my life requitting whoever can get me to move on.

So much for bad romance, hmm, Feb 2011, i officially took up a new post as Sales Manager. Got a drastic pay cut cos no more commission. Work load is physically lessen but more stressful with more responsibilities. Managing 12 monkeys is really a headache, with various crappy reasons for not coming to work everyday. It's never easy handling anything that is the pioneer batch, am i lucky or unlucky? Guess fate is giving me the challenge again.

Happen to drive past Shawn's house a few weeks back while on work, suddenly had the phenominal feeling that i may bump into Huizhen, and i really did! While driving past the bend, her car appeared right beside mine in opposite direction. She didn't see me, or i guess least expected me. I was overwhelmed with mixed feelings throughout, about her, about him, with eveything that happened back then. I guess this will be a memory for life.

Seems like something really significant gonna happen in my life. My right eyelid has been twitching for months.....

Can you tell the difference? Which do you prefer?

I remember reading a chapter of teenage psychology whereby it describes the kind of tendency of a teenager to prefer the company of friends or companions who gives them a sense of belonging and indulge in similar activities that might or might not be detrimental to their mental growth. Well, i guess this happens to everyone of us when we used to hate mum's nagging, BUT, as we become more matured, this feeling starts to evolve into a tint of appreciation as we know that it is ultimately for our own good.

Linking to this simple scenario, have you ever pondered over whether people around you are doing things for your own good OR with ulterior motives? I guess under most circumstances, we usually prefer to hang around people who makes us feel good about ourselves, for example, people who might have some liking for you, and you start indulging yourselves in praises like "oh you are so cool", "i like the way you talk!", "you look so fit in that singlet!", "ur eyes are so mesmerizing", and this is especially appealing to those who are damn egoistic. BUT, back to the basics, are they really sincere?

And now, think about what an old friend would tell you instead, no flowery words or any ego booster, but a simple advice of "I think you really need to lose some weight" or "you better rest more cos ur face looks terrible!" We tend to feel uneasy over such comments and someone who is simply superficial would start having a ultra black face. Are you showing signs of maturity?

Don't you think that it is really sad if you constantly requires praises or recognition to maintain your balanced ego, it reflects signs of insecurity and lack of self-confidence, though you seems to have self confidence in front of others. And you end up indulging yourself around insincere people whom might be interested in you, listening to lies after lies, even your fart smells like heaven!

Ask yourself this question, will that person treat you in this way as long as you live? Or does all these lies disappear after he realise that he is not interested in you anymore? And then you move on to the next person who is able to do the same. Someone whom have a crush on you will tolerate anything that you do, and protrays a forever "I dun mind" impression, but alas, once the crush is gone, you are just a piece of shit to him. And this is the time when you start to appreciate your close friends who have been tolerating you for the past ten years, who keep nagging at you endlessly hoping that you will wake up someday.

I feel that maturity does not come naturally, dun assume that it will come as you grow older, it doesn't. As we aged, I guess it is essential to keep track of the level of maturity every now and then, and really take note of things that we ought to learn at different stages in life. It's good to look younger than your actual age, but if your mentality is not on par as your age, it is honestly pathetic, and worrying too. And yes, it is this maturity that urges you to see the difference between sincere and insincere companions around you. Conduct some filtering and you will realise that life can be more fulfilling and even more exciting.

How about this? Give yourself an hour, go through your hp list, think about things they have done for you all these while, send a sms "I'm glad to have you as a friend!" to those whom you really think are worthy sincere friends. For those whom you think are getting close to you for ulterior motives, please move on, let them continue their dream in the world of deception, insincerity, unworthiness, and of course, immaturity. Be glad that you made the first step out, and your life will be much more fulfilling from now onwards. :P

Bangkok Trip

Just got back from Bangkok last night, really enjoyed myself. Looking at the busy Bankgkok city, I recalled my trip to this city 14 years ago, I was so young and playful then, going on a vacation with my very first beau.

Well, the mood 14 years later is much different, less excited though, but much more relaxed, especially with my best buddy and good friends around, the trip was indeed filled with fun and jokes. Travelling in groups is definitely not easy, with different preferences and habbits, well, it comes down to how accomodating you are ultimately.

Come to think of it, it was the differences that brought all the joy and laughter actually. Without Joan's unique "auntieness", the trip would not have been in such comfort and organised i guess. And Ked's constant nagging to move on indeed made the trip more fulfilling, not forgetting Gary's crazy jokes and hilarious "accidents". And last and foremost, Elf's attempt to patronise the brothels was indeed the hot topic of the trip.

I miss the bird's nest in coconut milk...yum yum. Wondering when will be my next trip there. Met a palm reading fortune teller in one of the temples, his predictions was somehow accurate and his advices made me ponder about my future. Am I on the right track?

I guess fortune telling to me isn't that much of knowing the future rather, in fact, it's more of realising things that I have overlooked in the past. Elf's seems perturbed when he heard about the session with the fortune teller, and his reactions were so predictable. Anyway, his obseesion with that prostitute was so annoying.

So much for this trip, and I'm looking forward to the next vacation! How about you guys?

How well do you know my character?

Keith requested me to set another test but this time, it will be solely on my character. I don't expect you guys to know much about my character since i'm a scorpio. Haha. No harm trying anyway. Dear friends, i'm waiting for your scores!




Some questions are cut off due to too long sentences, apologies. :P

Re-Test

As requested by Ked, the horrific test is back again. I have included 20 questions this time so to minimise any lucky guesses. Please think hard! And again, whoever can get 90% and above gets a free meal from me! No cheating!

Europe Trip

I finally made a trip to Europe, have been hoping to make this visit since NUS days, and well, dreams come true. :)
First stop - Rome. Never though a city could be so historical, staring at the complexity of Colosseum, I suddenly realised that my passion for architecture is still there, the days of architecture in NUS was so fun.
Next stop - Florenz. Rained the whole day and I think i've walked 10km! Nice churches and relics.
Moving on, it was Venice. The whole city is simply beautiful, the scent of art fills up every corner. Glass ornamanets, ceramic masks, paintings, everything is just so... hmm... sensational. And yes, that short Gondola ride cost 30euros!
Last city in Italy was Milan, the fashion city. Did some shopping at Gucci & Prada, heaven!
Across the borders, we travelled to Interlaken, a small town in Switzerland. The scenery along the way was captivating, lakes, valleys and cottages in snow, my face was glued to the window throughout the coach ride.
Ventured to mount Titlis and the weather was kinda cold but i enjoyed it. Next to Lucent, where i bought my first Tag Heuer which was supposedly done 2 years ago.
We continued with an eight hours ride to Paris, the fashion city of France. Went on a night city boat ride, the nite-lighted Paris was really really a wahhhhhhhh. The illuminated Eiffel tower was magnificent. It snowed the very next day, and day tour was kinda tiring due to a lot of walking. Visited the largest LV shop i ever saw, 3 storeys! Did some shopping at Zara and Swaroski. I felt so broke after that.

Well, so much for trip. Touched down on the 4th and met my buddies on the 5th. And yes, i almost forgot, 5th Feb, it was supposed to be the anniversary, and I should be in Hongkong. Oh well, you lose some, you gain some. A Europe trip in exchange for a Hongkong trip, quite worth it mah. Haha, but then again, what i've lost is actually much more. Though i still feel lost at times, i'm glad that I perfectly fine now.

Throughout the 12 days trip, I did some soul searching and self reflection. Realised that my life is kinda messed up and no direction at all. I lost track of what actually makes me happy and what do I want in life. Am I blindly working for money and getting into a relationship just for the sake of companionship? I guess I am. Pathetic? maybe a little.

Rested for the weekend and back to work again on a blue Monday. Don't know why but my mood was kinda lousy for the whole day. Came home and played the piano for almost 2 hours. Played my favourite Canon in D in C key with a few mutated styles and found it quite fun. Keke. And while i was playing Ked's favourite 可惜不是你, i realised that I had a listener lurking outside my door, trying to listen but too shy to be seen. I ignored him anyway. And yes, that 2 love birds must be so busy dating that they totally forgot about their piano lessons. Hrmph!

Was repeatedly listening to this song 笨蛋 by Jin Sha when i was in Europe. That's what touching songs do: relate your feelings.

I thought

Never thought that life could be so simple, Mon - Fri: work, home, game, chat with friends & occasional dinner with friends. Weekend is filled up with movies and dinner with buddies, mahjong, ktv, midnight picnic @ east coast, really enjoyed their company. It might be the sudden void after love left, or maybe it was ages since we had bonding sessions so often. Nonetheless, i guess it will be a part of my life that left a deep impression.

Joan realised that i've been quite distracted lately, taking the wrong route umpteen times, and simply don't know where i'm going sometimes. I guess there are just too many things in my mind recently, is it a sign of getting old? :x But there's one thing i'm quite sure, just as what Ked said, as we grow older, we stop doing certain things and start to indulge in other things that we don't really fancy in the past. e.g Clubbing vs Chatting.

There are news of recession everyday and our mood becomes so depressed. Well, from another perspective, it is time to take a break after working so hard for the past 2 years. Heading for Rome this saturday, wahaha, don't envy me guys, you will have your chance too. And yes! It will be Bangkok next month! Wondering whether that 有同性 没人性 one will bring me to Japan? :x

Introducing one of my favourite artiste since Sec Sch days: 陶子

Since Ked already posted my favourite 女人心事，i shall recap another touching song by her.

太委屈

当她横刀夺爱的时候 你忘了所有的誓言
她扬起爱情胜利的旗帜 你要我选择继续爱你的方式
你曾经说要保护我 只给我温柔没挫折
可是现在你总是对我回避 不再为我有心事而着急
人说恋爱就像放风筝 如果太计较就有悔恨
只是你们都忘了告诉我 放纵的爱也会让天空划满伤痕
太委屈 连分手也是让我最后得到消息
不哭泣 因为我对情对爱全都不曾亏欠你
太委屈 爱着你你却把别人拥在怀里
不能再这样下去 穿过爱的暴风雨
宁愿清醒忍痛的放弃你 也不在爱的梦中委屈自己

To my dear Jaron, the worst is over, look forward to a brighter future ahead!