2005 Last Entry

Hmm, shall write my last entry before the year ends. Looking back at 2005, seems like i didn't accomplish much, but i rested enough. Earned 0 dollars this year, passed my exams with As and Bs, dated a nice guy but nothing came out of it, drank a lot of chivas, got to know some new friends, ate a lot of food with buddies...hmm what else...

Been busy this week as Dino is in town. Brought him to many places to feast, in the end we ate more than him..lolx. Had a tarot card reading session with him the night before and it's quite interesting. Brought him to Whynot and they got him drunk....he puked!

Seems like love is playing a prank on me, when i thought i don't have it, it came and when i thought i had it, it left. People just come and go in my life, some claim to be interested and disappear after a while, some just say for the fun of it, some just treat me as a trophy, some are just plain horny and the rest.....confused. And at the end of the day, i'm seen as a flirt, cos i'm simply accompnied by different guys all the time. Well, i guess people don't really bother to understand the reason, all are assumptions and assumptions. I don't see the need to defend for myself either.

My predictions are all coming true, sad to say cos all were negative scenarios. As much as i don't wish to witness it happening, all is slowly coming to light. Maye that's why i seems unconcerned about all the dramas, cos i already knew it's gonna happen and not surprised at all. But why can't i predict my own stuffs? Guess it's always irrational for one to predict their own love matters. Love is blind.

Seems weird to everyone that i'm without a bf or date for ages, i'm trying to find the answers too! Fate or choice? Time is not right yet i guess... best excuse for whatever.

18 more hours to 2006. Put the past behind and look forward to a brighter future!(Super cliche..wahaha)

Love begins with Betrayal

Sounds contradicting isn't it. Was trying to find some logic from it and it dawned upon me that i felt it before. If love does not disappear, the next love that comes along in your life has to be accompanied by betrayal for the previous love. The kind of guilty feeling that one cannot sustain for the one they might be wating for, well, it might not be a bad thing afterall, as we all often know that there's no point waiting for most cases. Moving on might be a beginning of a beautiful story. That phrase reminds me of Jialing, wonder how's she's getting on in Australia. Been almost 8 years since i saw her. Second girl i liked in my life, cum best friend in my secondary school days. I still remembered the conversation when i confessed that i liked her, wahaha...she practically forced me! "There's always someone occupying that special place in our heart." This phrase was how we started on that topic.

Christmas is over, and i really enjoyed myself. The christmas dinner at punggol was fabulous, 3 cheers for dawn & dina for the feast and yes elf too! Clubbed for 4 days in a row...worn out..haha. Thanks for all the presents too!

My dear Dr. Lim has patched up with Ken. Felt happy for them, it's really a waste if they had given up a 5 years realtionship. At least now they have given hope to many of us out there that long term relationship can be a reality. Hope he will remember this friend when he celebrates his ten years anniversary with Ken. Best wishes!

There are tonnes of love stories written everyday, and i guess the difference lies in not what has happened, but how one faces the reality. There's no right or wrong in love i suppose, and what comes out of a relatinship ultimately depends on what both parties want out of it, things they do, words they say. And the kind of emotions one gets out of a relationship is really up to the individual, and when it ends, the evaluation may differ from reality.

Sometimes it's kinda interesting to think back of past relationships and recall what was the impression i had and have another evaluation again with a rational mind this time. I often find myself doing stupid stuffs but i guess i don't regret it, cos i believe in enjoying the process of loving someone and i did. There's no happiness without sadness, and one can treasure happiness more after tasting sadness. I believe all that i went through was for a good cause, learning the facts of life and understanding the many many roles one has to upkeep in life.

My brother once taught me an important lesson: He said that he do not only have one role in his life, he's my parents' son, and he's also his girlfriend's boyfriend, and he's his friend's friend, he's my brother and so on. And things he does cannot just accomodate one party and neglect the others and when roles do clash, that's when you have to choose. He said decision in life has no right or wrong, there's only willing or not willing, happy or not happy. A decision that makes one party happy may in turn makes someone else sad. So always try to put yourself in others' shoes when you say or do something.

Planning for my KL trip in Feb. Finally! Interested parties please register early! Pests, misers, loudspeakers, stinkos, plastics & jerks will be ignored. Gluttons are welcomed!

All I Want for Christmas is....

Had an unexpected call today, i looked at the caller id, hesitated for a few seconds, and answered. I could faintly hear his voice...... he must have accidentally called me. A familiar yet distance voice, I still remember that there was once he asked me what did i like about him, I said "your voice", memories starts flowing back. Well, at least i can tell tell myself now that it's already over and and looking back at it with beautiful memories. Moving on isn't that difficult after all, at least i know it did us good.

Was chatting with Ah Zheng while driving him to his bowling competition, I realised that he matured quite a bit, he said something that astounded me. He actually wanted to pay for the new computer.... He knows that mum doesn't have the money to pay for it, and also prepared to use his savings for university fees. Mixed feelings when i heard all this.....Glad that he has matured, and guilty because being his elder brother and 9 yrs older, I'm not yet able to finance him.Sigh....

Wanted to shop for some things after sending him, but went home eventually as it started to rain and there was a jam outside tampines mall. Got home and was really happy and relieved after receiving a message that i've been waiting for ages. Haha...guess that's the thing about waiting, the indescribable XXX feeling when u finally see the results.

Christmas is just days away...but i dun really feel the festive mood. No partner this year. :( Well, it is times like this when the singlehood phobia gets amplified..... Especially when one sees couples celebrating the festive season, can't help but feel envious. Santa Santa, can i wish for a partner this year? I accept raindeers too! But no elves! Lolx. :x

Birthdays, Birthdays & Birthdays

Had a busy week with so much activities. BBQ, surprise birthday celebration at bedok jetty, birthday dinners, birthday celebration at pub. I'm almost worn out. Someone got drunk and did a strip show at tanjong pagar! Joke of the month : Who wants to see what's below? (Adapted from "The Promise") Personal joke.. No names mentioned!....lolx. :X

Quite surprised and delighted that there are people reading my entries. Surprised because it's mostly about my own thoughts, supposedly nothing interesting to others. Delighted because at least there are people who care..haha. And it is really interesting getting to understand the purpose of reading on. A lot of friends are surprised by the dramas i went through as i don't seem to be someone who is going through these. Some are curious about my life, some are curious about my character, some find it funny and entertaining to read my bullshits, someone said he learnt a lot of life lessons from my blog. I didn't know one can learn from others in this way. That's new. Well, it's purely my own thoughts, don't really wish to mislead anyone doing wrong things or making wrong decisions.

Begin to sense some tension building up, and a kind of prenomintion that a lot of dramas are in the midst of staging. The weather has been quite bad recently, and the flu virus have been accompanying me for a week liao. Just felt uneasy at times and I'm not exactly clear of the reasons. I think it's better to stay away for a while.

Realised something about Alvin, he's like an Aunt Agony for everyone around him. He seems to be the one people looked for when they are sad and needed someone to talk to. I wonder who's his Aunt Agony...wahaha. Guess he's seeing so much dramas around him that when it happens to himself, he can't really take it, or rather bear with it.

Sometimes i wonder whether poeple whom you helped will lend you a shoulder when you need one. Think everyone is so occupied with true love that we forgot about true friedships. Important too isn't it? But i don't really feel that people are sincerely looking for it. Just felt that a lot of us are often engrossed with the present engagement and forgot about past ties which should be treasured. Was chatting with an old friend online and i asked about his close friend. Apparently they have stopped contacting each other because he is currently hanging out with people that he think are cool and blah blah blah. I reminded him of how that friend had helped and supported him when he was down, he was such a true friend to him and it's such a pity that he didn't treasure the friendship. He was speechless.... Luckily he wasn't offended and still thanked me for reminding him..haha..phew!

Christmas is coming! But i'm too broke to buy presents. :( Well, but still can enjoy myself!

The Perfect's Flaw

Heard a story about crystal glasses - an inspiring lesson. Learnt about how a tiny flaw can greatly impale one's impression with something almost perfect. Good things are often neglected, and likely to be overshadowed by little defects. When we expect too much from others, small errors can be misleading too, i guess i have to remind myself that, appreciate the good side of others rather than picking on them. What about expectations for myself? Trying too hard to be a better person for others... some appreciate, some don't.

A contradicting character of me: Sensitive yet uncomfirmative. I guess i'm someone who needs others to be really straight forward before i can be sure of their intentions and feelings. I can sense a lot of emotions but i just need them to voice it out before i can be sure of it. Taking words too seriously? Yes i do! Especially promises i've made. I'm taught to upkeep that since young. Maybe that's why i hate it when people make empty promises. Jerks.....

Alvin is in KL, hope he really can clear all his worries.... He just left without telling me. Never ask me want anything from KL!!! Kind of bogged down by so much dramas lately, tired tired tired. What about my story? I think it's still stagnant .... an occasional ripple by the same pebble and that's all. Guess i will just keep it that way, until i'm really sure of the situation i'm facing.

Cherish the ones who are good to you. Tell them that you appreciate their kindness and show him that you really care too. Don't wait, your chance may just have slipped and never return. This was what someone taught me when i just got into the circle. I still remember that Huizhen always like to use the analogy of "You won't get the same shop in the next town, once you missed it, there goes your chance." I've always told myself to try my very best to make a relationship work, even if it involves accepting him being disloyal before. Well i did that, but it still failed. I didn't even know why i did that, maybe because of love.... i hope it is. Best excuse for doing silly stuffs...

December Fest

Everyone's been busy lately. Some are busy organising their birthdays, some are busy preparing for their boyfriend's or girlfriend's birthday, some are busy getting presents and cakes and me? Busy attending birthdays! 10 over birthdays this month...gosh!

6th Dec 2005, eventful day.... Dina Birthday - We had a sumptuous buffet dinner. Terry lost his beloved Happy, all of us felt the agony. A & C broke up - sigh. Elf got a unexpected info - shocked....

I miss J.

Was pondering about the case of a 3rd party. Being a 3rd party voluntary or involuntary .... sigh. Can love be controlled? I guess no one can possibly stop others from falling in love with someone else. And what if someone tells you that he likes you when he's already attached? My fault? Or my mum's? Sensitive issue.......

I cried at the carpark waiting for you to call back. I waited till 8am. No reply. You just refused to answer my call. I asked you is it really over between us - you told me "didn't i make myself clear enough?" You said you are not ready for relationship cos you don't have the time and money. And weeks later, you got involved with someone else, or rather a couple. I told myself that i will not let myself be hurt like that again. This was 5 months ago anyway. Forgiven but not forgotten. You asked me to go back to you..... I can't. Sorry. It's too painful for me to try again. 早知今日，又何必当初。

Realised that i'm being a nuisance. Guess i'm just trying too hard to be entertaining. Too much initiative will just make it seems irritating i guess. Think i better not make myself a clown liao. He will call me if he miss me.

Reasons why dating my piano is better than dating jerks:

1. I decide what to play, when to start and when to end with my piano. Jerks start dating, decide to make u fall for them, and dump you when they are sick of you.
2. I think of beautiful memories when i play the piano. Jerks just reminds me of all the evil things they have done to me.
3. My piano is always there for me. Jerks disappear when i'm in trouble.
4. I get pleasure playing my favourite music. I get fake promises just because of their pleasures and desires.
5. It's always me and my piano. Jerks always opt in a 3rd party after some time.
6. I get in return notes i want to hear when i press the keys. Jerks return you with false hopes and dreams when you are nice to them.
7. I just need to wipe and clean my piano for maintainence. Jerks just wipe out your money and emotions till you are bared.
8. At the end of it, my piano doesn't hurt my heart. Jerks do.