Double Blow...Double Awakening

I finally plucked up the courage yesterday's morning and smsed Shawn, this was what i wrote:
Sorry if i disturbed you with my sms. I guess this should be the last one i have for you. I guess you don't really know how to reply me that day. Honestly, i only wish to know that for all these years, who am i in your heart. A classmate, an ex, or someone important in your life? Cos for all these years, i only receives birthdays messages apart from the times i met you. We might have a memorable past in your heart, but if you don't feel that i have a part in your life again, you can simply let me know and i will forgo what's left in me from you. I know it's simply you to avoid such things and i won't force you either, guess sms works well in this case. Just wanna let you know my doubts and how i feel for so long. These 5 yrs, I've kept all that's between us, gifts, letters, memories, and of course love. It's because of one promise 5 yrs ago when we broke up. And i guess it's time i end this stupid dream. I've thought for a long time before i sent this message. That's all i have to say bah. Yo do take care and best wishes from the bottom of my heart. Ciyi.

Half an hour later, a reply came:
I am grateful that you still hold me importantly. Over these years, my life has been really peaceful without much family problems like what i had the last time. Huizhen has supported me very much emotionally and i intend to spend my life with her. If i were with you, what would come out of the relationship? We often quarrelled, my mom cried, and i just don't feel normal. In the past, i was really blur, and thought that everything was a fairytale. I didn't believe boys can have boyfriends then. To me, it was unimaginable. Maybe that's was the root of our quarrels. Thanks for keeping everything, but do let go and find someone important to you. It is not fair for someone like me to bind you for so long, and i am undeserving. We did have a memorable past, but don't let it haunt you, or stop you from finding your happiness. We can't get back together anymore as i really like my life now. Everything in my life is peaceful and i wish it would remain this way. I know that your life has always been more colourful than mine, even from secondary school onwards. But for me, i am more simple and can't accept changes in my family, or my life. When we were together, i had so many heartaches, tears, and family problems. So please do not let me bind you any longer. How has your life been these few years? have you found anyone u like?

I replied:
I had never intended to disrupt your life now or make any changes to it. I'm glad that you are happy now and finally gave me answers that i needed. Smiles. take good care of yourself. I won't be by your side anymore as i woundn't want to upset anything. I'll just treat it as we never met before.

My eyes were sore and puffy. But i'm not sad, just getting sentimental after looking back at all these years, and looking back at our past. We went through so much..... family, friends, society, bad times good times, break ups, patch ups, distance relationship, army. it may just seem like a old tune to many out there, but to me, this was what i endured through 6 years with him, as a teenager then. I really felt relieved, letting go of a burden that i've taken for so many years.

I took a nap and decided to end it all today. The only person that i still can't let go. Smsed him that we need to meet and talk over things and he was kind of unwilling. Guess he was really busy. And he started to sms to ask me about what's my intention of the talk and in the end, i was accused of forcing him. I feel so wronged! He was the one who came back and ask for patch and in the end, gave up the relationship the 2nd time. And now i'm being accused of forcing him. Does love really change into something so scary, so hurting? 如果这是你的游戏，我输的一败涂地。Told myself to be stong, i didn't weep. Love does not take offense and is never resentful.

Really grateful to someone that chatted with me last night when i was feeling lousy. Though he didn't know what actually happened, i'm grateful that his companionship or rather entertainment was there for me through the phone. At least that kept me from thinking too much about what happend. Felt much better after that. Had a great meal at Macdonalds and went to watch "Just Like Heaven" with Joan and Elf. Nice movie! Guess no one suspected i had a bad day, i acted quite normally except for being rather quiet.

Well, at least it's all over liao. What worse could things get i suppose. I'm at the rock bottom already, things shall get better then. No more burden ... I feel so refreshed.

爱与祝福之间取舍

Shawn sent me a birthday wish, was wondering whether it was Huizhen who reminded him. Well, anyway, i replied asking him whether he remembered what he said 5 years ago. Honestly, i wasn't expecting anything from him, just wanted know that has he changed for the better after so many years. Sad to say, there was no reply as expected. He hasn't changed a bit since 10 years ago, always avoiding problems, Jialing had that, Huizhen had that and i can't escape that too. They are getting married soon i guess, wished that Huizhen would be happy with him....won't bear too see any one of them hurt.

The pain will make you stronger, the fear will make you braver, and the tears will make your love deeper. This was one lesson Sasa taught me. Charles once told him that "there's always a reason for everything that happens", and this sentence was kept in my memory till now. I wouldn't have known Gary and Ked if not for Sasa, and these 2 brothers are one of my greatest gifts in life. I have always believed that all the people that has crossed my life appeared for a beautiful reason, and i do hope i was a good cause for them too. Jarell indeed left a deep scar in my life, and of course a special place in my heart.... and the greatest gift he had given me was the chance to have a deep bond with my buddy alvin, things we went through, chats we shared, food we ate! lolx.

Sometimes it's really amazing the way fate arranged our lives, people we meet, things we do..... and life turns out the way it is for us. And the sense of affinity can never be described when u chat with him, or just simply holding his hands. Elf has been baffling me with prenominitions ... and i'm simply confused. Allure added with info that i just can't compromise with what i see and feel. There's no definite answers in life, and i guess i just have to live with it.

Feel like clearing all the doubts in my mind, but i just lack the courage to do so. Changed my song for my blog, an old song that i like a lot. Message me if you want the song!

My Birthday!

I'm 26 today! Yeah.... went to party world ktv just now with my close friends... Ah 9 and alvin made a cake for me, so touched. Shared with everyone the cards i received this year.... really appreciate all the efforts made: Descriptions below are strictly confidential!

A cute little card from my dear god daughter Dee Dee - a hyper-active white maltese puppy,
100% beautifully hand-made card and warmth wishes from 3 women or should i say 2 & a half? :x - dawn, dina and joan,
A feathery glamouraours one from terry - with a horrifying pic inside!!!,
A self sewn one from jasper - wow u can really sew?lolx,
3D card each from ah 9 and imran - can be used too!
Alvin - i think this is the first time he actually gives a bday card to someone in how many years? 10?20?
The heaviest & largest one - from Dett and how many kilos was that?
Frankie and joeseph both made really nice art pieces for primary school competition! creative eh!
Lionel tried to leave an impression - he thought his was the smallest..lolx..sorry DeeDee won!
Warren wrote a lot of stuffs inside - wow! you are really sentimental!
The one which i felt a sudden gush of memories - Jarell's card, with my chinese name on the envelope, and the cover of the card "for someone special in my heart"
I really like the blue glitters and diamontes in vincent's card.
Jennifer's card had the words 'speed demon' printed outside! you are forever the cheeky one!
Martin's fusion of the east and west - an ang bao together with a birthday card!
Ben jie had his iconic rainbow, he did it again! lolx
As usual ricky tried to bitch me even in birthday cards!
Elf made a LOT of effort in his GREEN card, and wrote a chinese poem with his horrible handwriting. Appreciated!
Crayon kid stickers! Robin had them in his card....so cute!
Most humourous award goes to Gary - the only with sound effect and bitchy too!

Sms : happy birthday. Was that all he could say to me? Well, i guess that was all he wanted to say bah. At least he remembered ..... yeah. Have to remember not to expect anything in return...argh...still working hard on it. Allure tried to cheer me up in msn .... and oh my, he didn't eat for 45 hours! gosh... he's so busy until like that.... hopes he takes care of his health.

Saw a crush i had years ago on the streets yesterday, he still looks the same, youthful and charismatic even in his thirties, but i never got to know him even as a friend, haha. Jeremy once said that crush usually won't develop into anything, what a wet blanket..haha, hmm, no hope then. Been enjoying my chats with him lately, happy guy and a real mean chilli padi, but it was real nice chatting with him, all his xxx theories and choc buffet...lolx. Waiting for him to come back sg and feast!

18 more hours to countdown. Time to wake up from my dream.

Between Like and Love

Overate today, 11pm, had a super sumptuous nasi lemak - fried drumstick, otah, egg, fish cake, lucncheon meat, half a bowl of porridge and a pig's tail soup. Thought that was all for the night..... went Swensons in the end - earthquake, fries, fried mushroom, turkey & bacon sandwich, cheese burger, salad, another round of ice-cream. Gosh! Am i normal? lolx. Guess eating was the only happy thing i could think of bah.....but i guess i better stop that unless i want to remain unwanted.

Like and love ... i guess tons of people are confused by the difference. The description "love" is so offten used that i really wonder whether is it really love that existed between them, or was it just mutual liking? And when a relationship ends, was it really love that creates all the drama? Or was it shame and anger? Looking back at my past relatioinships, be it dates or bfs, there were all kinds of thoughts.... like, anger, crush, shame, trial, hoax, dream, and love. There was really love, i guess one can only give a rational answer months or years later after it ended.

Was thinking about "expecting from others and expecting from myself", balancing it was never easy throughout my life. I have always believed in giving more to others than what they are giving me, and not expecting any returns for what i had given. That was something i have learnt - a way to happiness. I guess i'm used to the former, but the latter is often an obstacle. I'm still a human being, and i guess expecting returns is simply a natural reaction, and sad to say, it is the root of umpteen disappointments in my life, and to many others too.

Had a simple celebration with my close friends at whynot on saturday night, got high and enjoyed myself. Presents, cards, cakes and alcohol! I loved the chocolate cake, super yummy! Really appreciate the efforts that my friends made to try to fulfill my birthday wishlist, thanks!~~Made a birthday wish when i blew the candles....but i think it didn't come true. Elf asked whether i'm happy this year, i answered "no....". I should be happy.... but how come i'm not? I guess life would be happier if one is able to let go and forget about certain things in life.

Will love come back after it leaves? Hope i get the answer in my dreams.....getting sleepy liao. Will continue soon.

1st Love

Read my past entries again just now..... looking back... did i go through a lot? or was it just starting? Suddenly realised that my uneasiness for the past weeks might be be accounted for.

I still can remember 5 years ago, the unforgettable scene at the guard room downstairs. Shawn said :"I'm sorry ciyi, you know that we have to end one day, i have to get married ultimately, and since we have been quarreling so much these days, i think let just this be our last break-up." He didn't dare to look at me....silence...I was speechless. He continued "Maybe 5 years later, when we are more matured, we can be together again." It was this sentence that kept the reminiscence of him in my heart until today. I know that it was just wishful thinking on my part as he was obviously trying to pacify me. But i held on it as the only hope, the only hope of him in my life again.

I still remember 10 years ago, at a very quiet temple in Pasir Ris, we kneeled there, vowed for our love. Things kids do...lolx, well i did that. 2 naive teenagers at that time, thinking that life is so simple. Memories of us have been slowly fading away for the past 5 years, the impact each time i see him gets lesser, though i still can't control the tears in the end. Love will never disappear, i still believes in that. Wonder if shawn remembers what he said, guess he doesn't..... well, at least i can finally wake up from my dream.

My 21st birthday. At the chalet 2nd floor, looking at the mirror, putting on my contact lenses. Phone beeped...sms.... Shawn: Today is a special day for both of us. Though i'm not by your side, i wish that u have a happy 21st birthday. Tears flowed non-stop, I can't even wear my lenses. There were like 50+ people waiting for me downstairs to cut the cake. Put up a front, get done with the party, close eyes, sleep. Was wondering that will i get something like that this year?

Kept reminding myself that love doesn't have to be requitted. Just enjoy the process of loving someone.... seems like finding excuses for myself....self denial. Things people do when they are in love: waiting under the block for hours, leaving tonnes of goodies at the door, searching everywhere for the books he needs, trying to find out his reaction, staring at his photo, wishing him happiness with others.

I guess I need some adjustments in my life. New targets, new hobbies, new environment. Would appreciate some peace though. Getting overly confused with a lot of stuffs. Maybe things will get better after my birthday bah....hope so. Wonder how many items in my wish list can be achieved. Pray hard Jaron! Getting sleepy...talking nonsense liao....Shall end here.

Making Choices

Found it rather hard to blog nowadays, i guess it's because i dun really like to share unhappy stuffs. Another hiccup in my life during mid of last month, no one realised that, i guess i succeeded in hiding it from everyone. Added a new song in my blog. Singer -> Confidential! Haha..but the song is nice right!

Well, i guess everything has to end somehow, there goes my peaceful life when i clubbed again. Good or bad, i wont know. Dun understand why there are so many shallow humans around. Am i one too? Looks, looks and looks is all that everyone is going after. It doesn't last, don't they get it? Kind of getting sick of entertaining people asking me whether i'm attached or not. I don't wish to lie but i don't want to get involved with anyone yet i suppose. I'm flooded with questions and questions everyday, and buggers stick around me for obvious indecent intentions, and subconsciously i became meaner with my words. I guess they deserve it.

Elf said i have to choose.... somehow or another... bugged....bugged and bugged. Got so confused with the situation that i seeked help from above in the end. And i got answers that had never been so blurred. Sigh....is this a test for me? I had given love that wasn't appreciated, given love that was taken granted for, given love that was seen as harm towards him and worst of all, given love that was seen as a pressure and given up twice in a row.

Is choosing that difficult? Drifting my thoughts...... i guess the greedier you are, the harder it is to choose. I guess i'm asking the same stupid question that millions have asked: why can't we just be told who to be with and just find him. There are so many question marks in my mind..... I guess i've already made up my mind but i just don't have the courage to face it.

Had a lot of dreams lately, mostly bad ones. Maybe under too much unnecessary stress..... had been thinking about the same thing every night, just can't keep it off. Argh.... wished that i can just knock myself unconscious every night. Chatted with Allure outside whynot on saturday nite, asked about a lot of stuffs..... mixed feelings....

Just read some comments my ex date made about me a couple of weeks back. Realised i'm actually such a jerk to him ..... i guess i didn't reall know how to express feelings. The more i tried not to hurt him, the deeper the misunderstanding became. I'm always the baddie....... Told alvin about it, he ask me not to bother but i simply can't, cos ultimately he was my date and i'm affected. But i guess it helps to let him forget about me faster, lesser pain bah.... i hope.

Birthday Wish List

1. A wedding ring from someone - not just a ring... a ring with commitments inscripted.
2. Self cooked dish - not bought, not instant made, something made with love.
3. Birthday card - A special wish from every individual that knows me.
4. Audi TT coupe - My dream car no.2, nobody will give me that except daddy.
5. Forgiveness - From those that i've hurt.
6. Blessings - From those who cares.
7. Last - A Birthday spent with him.