Drifted Back

Don't know what actually brought me there, I parked the car and got down. Same place, same bench, but he's no longer beside me. I sat there, memories flooded back, we used to spend hours chatting there, about me, about him, about love. I drove to the spot where i used to look up to his room, and drove to the spot where we used to chat in the car. There were so much so much..... I drove to spot where i found him after he cried over the phone. I did love him deeply.

This song was playing over 933 when he said: " Let's break up for the time being":

我想算了吧不如就这样地分手转 我的心在痛对你的爱太浓自
是否你能带走过去的承诺音 不再对你奢求什么魁

只想让你懂转过身就不能回头 已经作决定又何必在强留
选择了离开我还能说什么 爱使你爱使我迷惑

明知道爱你不会有结果· 为何还如此执着
为你付出所有 你竟不顾一切就走
明知道爱你只是继续错　 为何还如此脆弱　
已经习惯有你　 已经不能将你摆脱　
也许当一场梦梦醒一切都随

My world collapsed.

What past is already the past. It's been 2 months, since he has no intentions to salvage, i will just keep the memories for myself. Once again, i'm sentenced to eternal exile.

一句随口的承诺，竟是我一生的伤痛。

Ubin

Had a great day at Ubin today. Feel great with friends around doing stupid things like saving tadpoles, struggling uphill with bikes, bashing through forest and throwing coconuts. Brought back some memories when i suddenly recalled the last time i was there, felt something amiss, and realised that it's because someone wasn't around.

Went to have my fortune told by Cindy's uncle at the temple, one description struck me.: You tend to be emotional and often can't figure out why certain things happen and start being difficult on yourself. Try not to be too nice to people or else you will end up being used by them. I really felt some truth in it. He continued: You will have no lack in suitors but consider carefully when you make decisions. The weird thing is that, i did ask about my career and relationship, but he seems to be talking about relationship most of the time..... puzzled. Consulted him about the divination lot i got, he gave me an answer that i also can read from the lot... oops, but i seriously don't see it coming.

Thought about this question a few days back. Imagine this scenario: You appear in the club, glamourously attractive, poeple are eager to approach you and acquaintances are everywhere. You make a point to acknowledge the HIs and kisses, flaunting occasioinal flirty remarks. People around you are envious of your status and tend to hang around you.
Or do you actually prefer this: While everyone is happily dancing and boozing, you enter the club with your partner, holding hands and quietly joined the crowd. Greeted your old time friends and start catching up with one another. Occasionally you will hold your partner in your arms, lovingly enjoying each other company.

I guess both scenarios entails envy from the other side. We often are just not satisfied with what we have. The attached ones will always think of freedom as singles and vice versa, the singles will long for the companion. When will it end?

牵手或放手，幸福或祝福。 When someone does not love you anymore, give him your blessing, that's the only thing you can do.

幸福快乐

How does it feeel like when the person you love walks out on you? And when you ask him not to leave, he remains silent and cold.... And how does it feels like when you have to force yourself to lie so that he can move on without any regrets? I guess it is even more painful when you have to wish him happiness with someone else. The kind of heartache when you realise that you are no longer his happiness.

Thought of all this while chatting with alvin in msn. Seems like his confusion is back, hope he can make a good decision this time.

爱情里有原谅，不仅是体谅他， 而是如何原谅自己。
爱情里有祝福，不仅是为了自己的幸福， 而是他永远的快乐。
爱情灭了，幸福却来了，感觉只是幸福但不快乐。。。。。

逃避

Learnt a few stuffs while watching vcd today, one of them was : Avoiding problems is worse than suffering a defeat. Pluck up your courage and face reality. Maybe i was avoiding reality all this while, waiting for someone who will never appear again. I have ran out of excuses, for him and for myself, and i know the more i try to hide, the more i can't forgive myself.

Sometimes i really can't understand myself, I can be simply overjoyed with little things in life and also unmoved by drastic commotions elsewhere. It's the person i guess. A simple "happy birthday my dear" can bring back intense memories even though he might not have done anything memorable for you. Every little incidents becomes scarred memories which can't be erased no matter how much you wish to forget them. And the promises become the sources of sadness and disappointment, but aren't those said to make you happy in the first place?

I keep asking myself: Ain't I suppose to be the one to give him happiness? And why am i obstructing him now instead, and giving him undue discomfort and stress? If i really love him, I should let him go. I'll just be the little angel in his life, protecting and blessing him quietly.

In times of despair and helplessness, who doesn't wish for a comforting arm to hold on to? But when i seriously need that, i can only stare into blank space, and weep silently at night. Loneliness really stings at times, especially when you are feeling vulnerable, and the person that you really need is gone, the lost feeling can never be explained in words.

Ked told me about the bad dream he had about me weeks ago, and i subtly joked that maybe i was crying so desperately that even my buddy can hear me his dreams. To be truthful, i really did. That very night, i knelt on my bedroom floor, i felt really weak and helpless. I was crying so badly, I prayed while gasping for breath, hoping that someone somewhere can hear me, and rescue me out from this despair. I guess it worked.....

Had a birthday celebration with Simon on wednesday night, was quite glad that he remembered so much about us. Hope that his wishes come true this year. Happy Birthday!

Pighead asked me what went wrong? I kept quiet for a moment, and i answered "not compatible bah" with an ending smile. I really don't know what else to say, tears almost fell when i try to recall the past. I guess he knew i'm hurt and stopped probing. Thanks for the care and concern all this while.

A new week ahead! A better tomorrow for everyone my dear friends. :-)

Scorpio Is Hurt

Seems like i never learnt my lesson. Once again, here am i friends, dumped. Seems like the period of April and May are bad for me every year. I thought I have got used to it, but why am I still crying? I really hate myself for being such an idiotic weakling.

I have to put up a front again, as usual, I kept the sadness to myself. Many years ago, Jack told me this: Never show your weakness to others, cos it is this weakness that others will hurt you in future. How true can it get. Sigh....

I had been working hard for these months because of this special someone, hoping to provide a better life for him. I felt happy, i guess that is the happiness in giving bah. But of course, when everything fails, it turns to heartache when you realise everything you gave, in return you get a heartless break up excuse.

I guess it's retribution bah. I thought of people in my life whom actually loved me a lot, but i didn't really cherish them. I feel like giving them a hug and say that i'm sorry. I told jeff this: There are certain things in life that once you miss it, there's no second chance anymore. And to simon: I've always remembered you as someone who have loved me deeply.

Came across this very touching song in the movie 200 pounds beauty. Hope u all like it.

There are people in our life who are just passer-bys, and there are those who stay in your heart forever. The memories itself is enough to make your tears rolling., not to say how much u have missed this person. And sad to say, none of them really bothers whether how important they are to you.

I plead with him, I did everything i could, including stupid & childish acts to make him stay. But in the end, he still left. How many times in life are you able to meet someone who truly loves you and is willing to do anyting for you? I told myself that if i can ever meet this person again, i won't leave.